Thought 4

As I alluded to before, it’s rather easy to lost sight of why I’m to do this exercise. It’s easy to see it as a punishment, as a reminder of my wrong doings. It’s easy to feel like I’m held back by my past, and that this assignment is the very constant reminder that makes that possible. It’s easy to lose sight of the purpose in all of this, only to sink into resentment.

However, this is something I was thinking about at length today. I do this because you want me to. Even though you may never read these words, I do this because you asked me to make the effort, and so I am. Sure, a lot of it so far has been rather teenage angsty sounding and maybe a bit morose. I like to think that it won’t always be that way. Maybe self-discovery has a way of finding it’s way into even my pessimistic mind. After all, I was able to dwell on this topic for a short bit to reach some different conclusions.

So, that’s why I’m doing this: for you. Again, I’m sure it’s easy to jump to the conclusion that I’m not taking it seriously, or I’m missing the point of whatever benefits there are for myself, or blah blah blah. You need to understand that I’m fully aware that I don’t have to do this. I don’t think anybody has to do anything. Ever. There are always alternatives in every situation. 

I do this because I love you. You mean everything to me. I don’t deserve you, and I probably never have. But we have built a life together, and if I haven’t managed to completely fuck it up by now, I’m going to do whatever I can to keep it together. 

I only hope you can do the same.

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