New project. Seems to be a theme.
What I feel vulnerable about today…
Well, now that’s a question. Likely the same shit: wondering if my SO is going to wake up and see just what I am and then leave. That’s almost always an issue. I’m thinking that I’m overcrowding him, telling him if he needs space all he has to do is tell me, but insists otherwise. He really makes me feel vulnerable, mostly because I’m in a situation that I’ve never been in before, and I’m always looking out for signs that he might be abusive like other I’ve encountered before. I’m always on the look out, and when I think I see something that’s even mildly reflective of what I’ve experienced before, that makes me even more so.
I was talking with my therapist and I came to the realization that I am repeating the same thing I did with my ex: always around as almost like a watchdog for his behavior. I almost feel as though I can’t leave him alone for fear that he’ll wander. It’s a sad realization to be that insecure about myself or that I would even waste energy in that pursuit when there are other things that require more attention than someone to brush my ego with this inane practice. I need to reinvest in my own interests and get back in touch with my close circle of friends. I have made him almost the center of my world when I know that while I am a priority in his life, I’m not THE priority. I guess I should downgrade that status as well. But then again, that’s unreasonable to be THE priority in anyone’s life. Waiting around for me in that respect? Flattering, but I’m not sure I would desire such a thing. Sigh. I need my old life back. Not the one filled with booze all the damn time because that wasn’t healthy. I guess you can say I’m creating a new life for myself…. I just need to pick my escapes a little better.
What else? My job. I fucked up royally yesterday with strings of mistakes from last week. My allergies slapped me in the face and made me its bitch, so thinking beyond a 1+1 capacity was severely limited. And my work paid the price. I missed things that needed to be sent. I missed installing some software on a computer for a client. I misnamed a file that my superior needed. So many mistakes. And my superiors were not happy about it. Who could blame them? But even then, it clipped at my brain that I had screwed up, and my attitude reflected my ill temper. I was not a good person to be around yesterday. I’m just glad not too many people saw the state I was in. I was feeling raw and angry about it all. More upset at myself that I let these things happen, and I can’t fix them with my limited knowledge, and instead of trying to repair the mistake, my superior simply does it himself. Probably saw my ill temper and figured I wouldn’t do it without a begrudging notion. I would have done it anyways and hid the grudge. But who knows.
What else? I’m having another existential crisis. I’m almost 30, and I haven’t done shit with my life. I’m working for both my friends’ companies and doing nothing for myself in return. I should be doing something, making a difference but alas. I have done nothing. Maybe I have lifted some people to carry on and do the things they do, but will I ever know about it? I have had two people say to me that I was an inspiration to them. Do I believe that? If you’ve read the last entry, you already know the answer to that.
But I just felt as though I have achieved nothing. I had everything to do so, but I have churned out nothing. No literary works that change the system. No words that have lifted the Populus to rise against the oppressors. What have I done to contribute to this society? What am I doing with my life?
More importantly, where the hell am I going? I need to pick a direction, but I just can’t seem to hunker down and do it. I just need to know where to go.