Just trying to make sense of it all.

2/22/17

Have you ever lost the love of your life? The future that you saw for the both of you? How happy you knew it would be? How right it felt to be with that person?

I lost it all thanks to my depression. I haven’t had it for a while and when I did, I wanted to delete that part of my life. I never wanted to think about it again. I didn’t want to make myself look weak to those I love and to those that love me. I know I can’t be strong all the time, but I didn’t want to be looked at like I’m broken. Unfixable. Not good enough. But depression slowly crept into my life again. The love of my life, kept trying to tell me that I was showing the textbook signs of depression but since I almost let it discontinue my life once before, I refused to want to realize that it was slowly happening again. Everything in my life was right with him. Notice how I said was. It WAS right with him. I failed to listen to him because I didn’t want to look broken to him. I wanted to be the best I could be to someone and in my eyes, I didn’t see my previous run in with depression apart of it. But this time, anxiety was involved. Heavily. I finally listened to him and agreed to go in for help but, it was too late. The next day after I told him I would seek help, he told me he wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore. That moment, when I heard that, my entire heart and soul was emptied into my stomach. That’s when the anxiety attacks began. Let me mention that this happened on 2/12/17 at 3:30am. Two days before our first Valentine’s Day together. I couldn’t sleep for days. I resorted to sleeping pills because it was the ONLY way I could sleep. On 2/13/17 I made an appointment for my anxiety and depression. I accepted the fact that I wasn’t well and that the only thing to do now was get better. But later that day he told me that it was over without saying it was over. He did so by asking for his things back at my apartment. That whole week, from the exact moment at 330am until yesterday, I was having anxiety/panic attacks, weakness, every muscle in my body shook, the feeling of my stomach in my throat preventing me from breathing, and instantly increased blood pressure. I could not physically eat a thing for 8 days. I drank water, tried eating small things, and even resorted to meal shakes so I wouldn’t collapse from lack of nutrition due to high levels to stress. On 2/13/17 the day of my appointment, it took me over 4 hours to eat a single piece of bread with peanut butter on it simply because I couldn’t swallow. It’s like there was a force, within me or outside, that wouldn’t let me swallow it. Feeling that every minute of every day for 8 days caused me to lose 14lbs that week. Valentine’s day, was the last day we talked before we met in person. For 3 days I never said a word, nor did I receive any. 2/18/17 we met up to give back each others belongings. We talked for over an hour, it was something I was not expecting. We were civil with each other. I was told things that I wish I could still know that was going to happen in my future but now I’m uncertain. It ripped my heart out. The love I have for him was taken from me by his soul because I am depressed and refused to see it. We ended on a positive note. He knows I love him and that I do not blame him for the actions I am responsible for. But what I didn’t expect was for him to wipe away my tears and tell me he loves me too. I will hold on to those actions and take it as we still have a chance to be together again. I truly in my heart, what’s still left intact, that we ARE meant to be together and that right now just isn’t our time.

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