Ninety-eight

Ninety-eight: the number of days until graduation. The moment I have longed for since I was a child. The moment that, on days like these, I wish I could slow the clock down. The moment that I often worry about, and wish I could stop from happening.

Then there are days like today, or tomorrow, or weeks from now, where I wish I could turn back the clock. I wish I could have a do-over. I wish I could take more honors and AP classes, broaden my horizons, not be so lazy, not fall in love and get distracted. I wish for those moments my freshmen year where I felt vulnerable, yet excited about my future. I wish I would have cherished them and not taken them for granted. I wish I would have lived my life in the present, and not wished for the future. I wish for so much that I can no longer get back.

There are few moments where I have truly lived in the moment. Grasping every second of the day, realizing the quickness of each minute, each day, each month. As June 1 fast approaches, I find myself wondering what I can do to slow down the clock. I have lived most of my life waiting for the future to arrive, waiting for that moment to come. Each Monday I await for the weekend, and this is a cycle that repeats itself through 180 days of each year. It gives me something to look forward to. Something to push me through a difficult week. But why do we do this? I often ask myself that. 

Tomorrow, next week, or even on May 31, I am going to want to slow that clock down. Impossible right? I live my life yearning for the future so much that I forget to live in the present. I live my live with hundreds of regrets, wishing I could have done things differently. I often wish I could relive my high school years. I wish I could take it all in and remember every second of it. I know that in a few short months I will soon be an alumni and I will no longer have the comfort of calling my high school home. I will no longer seek comfort in that school where I learned my greatest lessons. Where the teachers care about me, and I can truly be myself. Maybe that is why I want to slow down the clock. I am nervous for the inevitability of my prevailing independence. 

But right now the clock is ticking, faster and faster, or as it seems to be. For now I can try to live in the moment, take in all of the little moments, and hold on to it, because nothing lasts forever.

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