i didnt really want to write these feelings down. in a way theyre negative and i didnt want to come back to this journal in the future to remember bad things. but here i am, good job me.
dad leaves to ny tomorrow. we went visit lucy and we saw laura and her two daughters. her older daughter, sonia, clung to dad way too much. i had forgotten how jealous i get. i hated seeing her hug his leg, and hearing her say tio martin i missed you.
i feel so selfish for being this way. i know he does it because these kids are in need and her parents are bullshitters. but i feel like im so worthless and ugly that he needs other little girls to satisfy his longing for the daughter he always dreamed. i feel like im not enough at all. he even said hed take zoe home. i hate remembering when he first said it and i hate it when he repeats hed do it if he lived here. i hate how he cares for everyone else’s daughters just because their moms are stealing sluts who cant live without a dick in them at any given time.
when i told him i didnt like it because i was scared he’d love them more he always in soft words told me that i was being unconsiderate, that i should think about their situation. but thats not what i needed. i just wanted him to tell me that im his most special treasure, that no other girl could replace me. but i feel so ugly and like my skins too dark and like my hairs too curly and like im fat and like im a bad person for not wanting any siblings because im envious and insecure.
we went over to emils house . it wasnt very nice. i felt like crying the whole time. i actually teared up a bit and hid behind emil ao nobody noticed. i stared at our hands together. i stared at him eat and at his naked legs. i thought i was ugly and i asked myself if hed ever hold some other girls hand or kiss some other girls lips. maybe hed think some other girl is cuter than me too and want to take her home because its not enough with just me.
i wish i didnt think this way of people i love but i feel so little compared to others. no matter what indo i can never be as pretty and smart as other girls