I have only ever had one serious long term relationship, we were together for four and a half years.
Although the relationship ended five years ago I have never really got over it. My feelings for him are nothing but a memory, I have no love left for him what so ever.
The fact is I never really allowed myself to heal from the relationship. When we were together I was suffering from major depression and an eating disorder. My behaviour was manic, one minute I was his darling sweet heart, funny, kind and cute and the next I was this angry psychopath.
Since we ended I have been scared of entering a new relationship. I fear my own anger. Back then I was such a jealous person, he had children so his ex was still part of his life. I could not cope with the baggage I wanted him all to myself. I needed to be his only love.
Throughout my life I have always felt alone and unloved. He came along and wanted to be part of my life, I believed he loved me… at this time when I hated myself I felt I needed his love to survive.
Our relationship was twisted and turbulent. I knew we shouldn’t be together, we were not compatible, and I didn’t trust him. I tried to leave him time and time again. I couldn’t. I was like a heroin addict needing her next fix. I was completely hooked and could not imagine my life without him.
Once the relationship was over instead of trying to heal myself I used sex, drugs and alcohol to numb my thoughts. What I should have been doing is learning to accept and love myself.
My past behaviour does not need to define me. It’s important that I learn from the the past and identify what caused me to act in such a monstrous manner. One day I would like a healthy relationship but I know I have a lot of self healing and work to do on myself before the time.