Self healing

I have only ever had one serious long term relationship, we were together for four and a half years.

Although the relationship ended five years ago I have never really got over it.  My feelings for him are nothing but a memory, I have no love left for him what so ever. 

The fact is I never really allowed myself to heal from the relationship.  When we were together I was suffering from major depression and an eating disorder.  My behaviour was manic, one minute I was his darling sweet heart, funny, kind and cute and the next I was this angry psychopath.

Since we ended I have been scared of entering a new relationship.  I fear my own anger.  Back then I was such a jealous person, he had children so his ex was still part of his life.  I could not cope with the baggage I wanted him all to myself.  I needed to be his only love.  

Throughout my life I have always felt alone and unloved.  He came along and wanted to  be part of my life,  I believed he loved me… at  this time when I hated myself I felt I needed his love to survive.  

Our relationship was twisted and turbulent.  I knew we shouldn’t be together,  we were not compatible, and I didn’t trust him.  I tried to leave him time and time again.  I couldn’t.  I was like a heroin addict needing her next fix.  I was completely hooked and could not imagine my life without him.

Once the relationship was over instead of trying to heal myself I used sex, drugs and alcohol to numb my thoughts.  What I should have been doing is learning to accept and love myself.

My past behaviour does not need to define me. It’s important that I learn from the the past and identify what caused me to act in such a monstrous manner.  One day I would like a healthy relationship but I know I have a lot of self healing and work to do on myself before the time.

 

One thought on “Self healing”

  1. Sending prayers your way
    I too am struggling with same invisible illness almost 10 years, now he wants to call it quit’s due to same reactions pretty much. I don’t know how you do it, stay strong Warrior Friend ^..^

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