I fucking love this website. I don’t care if anyone reads this…but knowing that someone might hear what I have to say is comforting…as well as getting it off of my chest, is very liberating. To heal, my pain must be witnessed.
My brother has type 2 bi-polar . I know I don’t have bi-polar but I wonder what type of mental illness, if any, that I am suffering from. I’m turning 40 in 3 days, and over the last 40 years I have been on anti-depressants twice, both times it was during difficult situations that I had a hard time handling. The first time I was quite young, in my early 20’s, and I wasn’t very aware of my emotions and how to handle the situation I was in. The most recent time started while I was pregnant. K, the father of little K (3.5 years old), had a difficult time supporting me emotionally, which has been a pattern throughout our relationship. At one point he was atv’ing, drinking, bonfire-wiener roasting with a lady that was much younger than I, who was living in his house (renting the whole space). K, at the time, still had a lot of work to do on the house, which he built, and while I was pregnant would spend time at the house “building”. This sounds so ridiculous as I write this….Anywho, at one point I said to K that his time up there (400km north of where we were living), was to be spent building not striking up a friendship with Rochelle (is her name). Rochelle also has a partner who she “lives” with but who works on the oil rigs or something and is always out of town. One time that K was up there he texts and says that he is going over to so and so’s (I can’t remember their names) as they are having a get together, so I call to say hi, he doesn’t pick up….weird. I continue to text and ask him to call me and he doesn’t. Finally I think he shuts his phone off. I know that he’s with Rochelle, he knows that I think its weird that he’s hanging out with her. It was so upsetting for me at the time. Finally at 3 or 4 am he texts, says he’s home and everything is ok. I call him, he does answer but is annoyed with my questions, doesn’t want to talk, etc.. Because I was a private detective in my former life, the next day I call “so and so’s”…I don’t even remember how I got their number…they hold some sort of music festival at their house every summer so they must have had their numbers posted or something. I make up some bull shit story about getting on to their email list for their house concerts, and ask them how they are, if they’ve seen K around, blah blah blah….nope, haven’t seen K.
At this point I’m freaking out, call K, ask him what the fuck he was doing, why he is lying to me, etc., etc. Sooooo apparently, while I was calling and texting K and Rochelle, packed an evening snack, took Rochelle’s ATV for a little romp in the forest, where they shared drinks, laughs and who knows what else. They “get lost”, “run out of gas” and have to hitchhike home drunk. The next day they go and pick the ATV up.
Not only is this situation highly inappropriate on so many levels, but what hurt the most at the time that it happened was that these are activities that should be reserved for me. There was no sex going on, but the betrayal was that K was doing the type of activities that should be reserved for him and I, and why was he spending his time up there getting drunk and “befriending” someone he doesn’t need to be friends with.
The other infuriating part to this story, is that when confronted with how I felt about the situation and all of the things wrong with it, K was defensive. He argued that he didn’t tell me what he was doing because he knew I would be upset, he tried to rationalize that he wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary, and so on and so forth. What I wanted to hear was, OMG, I am such an idiot…I shouldn’t have done that, I’m sorry, I love you, forgive me. But no, it was me trying to get him to understand how hurtful what he did was. I tried using analogies about his mom and dad, his sister and her partner, my brothers, but no….I guess K thinks he’s special in some way that he doesn’t have to consider other people’s feelings or emotions or provide support. I was sitting at home pregnant, stressing and worrying.
K has since apologized for his behavior, but I guess it came too late. Having to fight to be heard and understood over and over again was and continues to be too much for me to bear. There are so many inappropriate things that happened while we were together…I will continue the story.
Back to the anti-depressants. I’m not with K anymore. There were so many things that I couldn’t handle emotionally, I needed help. At one point though, even those pills didn’t help me so I went off of them and finally left K. These journal entries are a path to my healing. I can’t ignore the pain and the darkness because that will just make me depressed again, so this time I’m working on being in it, feeling it, experiencing it, until it is no longer going to be there.
K is currently on an extended trip to find his “mojo” (his words), while I am a single mom taking care of our son, the greatest joy of my life. While he has been gone, I have had a resurgence of anger, as I haven’t fully dealt with my emotions from what happened between us. When Little K was 6 months old we drove from Canada to Panama, and some of the things that happened during that time are resurfacing with K traveling again, but that is for another entry.