Where to start?
I suppose I should briefly explain why I have decided to start writing a journal out of the blue.
I feel this is a form of self-help mental aid. Hopefully it will cleanse me of all those thoughts spinning in my head day after day.
A brief introduction to me.
Im 28, just under 12 months ago I quit my full time job to work for myself, and educated risk I like to think. I run my own garden maintenance and landscaping business. So far so good, well thats what I like people to think. This diary will be an isight into how I’ve proceeded through the last 12 months and ongoing.
Lets jump straight in to the beginning of this week. I felt on top of the world, I haven’t felt that good in ages. Although I’m always smiling on the outside and always try to maintain that, on the inside I’m actually quite sad and depressed, constantly searching for the meaning of my life, my purpose; am I really supposed to be running a Landscape company, is this really what I will do with the rest of my life or is it just a stepping stone to finding the next adventure in my life. I have however caught the man flu towards the back end of this week and I think its kicked my depression into overdrive, I’ve not been to work for the past 2 days because of this and I think having no purpose for the last 2 days hasn’t helped.
I need to take a brief moment and appologise for my poor formation of sentences, grammar and English in general. I never really paid attention in English at school and always dicked around. Hopefully writing these entries online instead of in my paperback journal will force me to improve on these faults.
Anyway this week I have been working on my parents garden, on my own on a casual basis, I think thats why I was so happy and mellow around this time because there was no stress, I can. come and go as I please and the work will still get done, it just may take longer.
Im getting all my casual work out of the way this month. Ive told people the reason for this is because when March arrives its going to get very busy and I won’t have the luxury of the free time I currently have. This is true but its not the full truth. The real answer is I went back to work full time on January 4th 2017. I booked in a garden clearance which was going to take 1 week. I arrived at the job, after being off work for 4 weeks for the Christmas period. I started the job, the property owner wasn’t at home and I was as usual just getting on with the work, I’m not one for standing round and drinking tea when no-ones watching. Well, one shrub led into another shrub into another tree and before I knew it I had just made a giant mess.
I sat down and had what you could call a mini breakdown. I cried, not knowing why I was crying and started to shake. It was all a bit bizarre and embarrassing. I was over whelmed.
I phoned my fiancee and explained what was happening and she talked me down and I calmed down after 5 minutes of chat. From that moment on I knew I wasn’t mentally fit for work for whatever reason, I managed to get the strength to tidy up the mess I made and left the job unfinished. I didn’t charge the customer anything for the work completed so far as I was letting him down. It seemed the right thing to do.
Roughly 4 weeks later I’ve eased myself back into work doing jobs for family and friends, where I find there is a lot less pressure. However there is one down side to this and that is these jobs are either favours or mates rates, so now I have little to no money in the bank. So far my self issued ease back into work treatment is working and as I’ve previously said has a had a real positive impact on my emotions.
I honestly don’t know if I’m going to keep this journal daily or weekly or just ad-hoc. One thing I know is it helps me. Maybe no-one will ever read this entry maybe a handful will. Its not really an issue but if someone does I hope they can relate to issues I face and it helps that person on some way.
For tonight – Ciao