Another dilemma

Here’s the story. I’m gonna put down the letter I am thinking about sending to my SO in concerns with his behavior. I feel like I’m going through a lot of shit right now, trying to change myself and he’s simply not understanding or wants to understand where I’m coming from. Here’s what I got so far: 

Hey.

I feel the need to explain several things. I understand that you don’t really care (which even writing this defies my own logic), but maybe I can help to shine some light as to why. I’m doing this in an effort for us to understand one another better. Understand I’m not doing this as affront to you or to say that you’re being disrespectful to me. I’m simply trying to clear the air here.

I’m not someone who trusts easily. With anyone. Ever. I’m not quick to trust anyone because of the many times I’ve been burned. I believe I’ve already told you about the many times that people that I chose to love have left without so much an explanation as to why. Despite this happening to some themselves, some people are more readily able to place their trust in another person and keep going in terms of seeking a human connection with another person. I desire this connection as well, but I cannot as readily place my trust in someone else. And this is for everyone I meet. This is not a new behavior: this has been learned over my entire life. And I feel as though you’re asking me to move that mobile home all the way across the country overnight. That is not going to happen. That’s physically impossible. I cannot move that mobile home any faster than I am moving it right now without becoming a danger to myself and others around me.

I know how frustrating that can be to you. It doesn’t make sense… and it’s not fair. You place your trust in me so readily – why is that so difficult for me to reciprocate? The short answer: I don’t know. I could chalk it up to my past experiences and how that’s shaped my sense of trust to place into another. I agree – it’s not fair to you, but this is so deeply ingrained within me that I can’t just wave a magic wand and make it disappear. There is no magic cure for this deep scar I have. The only way it’s going to fade is with time and patience.
Long answer: you handle your life better because of your own sure footing in yourself, your self-confidence, and your own sense of self-reliance. That’s what I love about you. Unfortunately, I don’t have as sure a footing as you do. Things have happened that have worn me down like a stone to dust. I’ve already told you that trust in myself is severely limited (and that right there I am trusting you not to use against me…. Right there is an immeasurably powerful weapon you could potentially use against me). You, fortunately, learned more about what your stars are and how to navigate through your waters. You’re better at this than I am. I have nothing to make heads or tails of much about my life, to be honest. I can’t make heads or tails of much, and for me to say half the things I’ve told you in the amount of time we’ve shared, only an extremely limited few others who have known me for about 10 years know any of that – and they had to stick around for a long, long while to even have a clue. And even then, they don’t know the whole story. No one knows the whole story. My friends know about the psychological beat downs I’ve experienced, but not all of them. I understand that there are things that people simply don’t need to know about me. They are not necessary for a foundation of friendship or a relationship.  But those are my issues, and to involve someone else in them would be suicide to both parties. The only person that might remotely need to know about those is my therapist, which you are not and never will be. I will not do that to you and turn you into someone else for the benefit of my emotional baggage. You are my lover and my friend – not my therapist.

You want me to tell you things but then rescind that request almost immediately. This sends me a lot of conflicting signals, and I’m trying really hard to understand you and your own motivations. What is it that you’re trying to do? I do not understand right now, and this puts me on an unsteady foundation that makes this process even harder. I’m now trying to move that mobile home over a gravel road on a precarious hillside in Appalachia, and I need to know where the edge is to make this transfer successful and it appears as being ever changing. There are no rules I can rely on. I understand that you want me to trust you, but I’m not sure where the cliff’s edge is. This further grates against my own… sensitivities and makes me even more nervous as I know I’m carrying a huge load that could result in people getting hurt if handled incorrectly. I want to handle this correctly, but I’m not sure how. Yeah, I’ve got a license to carry this, but my journeys have not had me over terrain like this.  This is entirely new to me – please understand that. I don’t think I’m asking for much.

The point of the matter is that our experiences are different, and that’s beautiful. I have an insatiable curiosity to know about yours, but unsure on how to ask about it. Yet when I try to speak about mine, it appears to me that you don’t quite care. I’m going to guess that this is more about the love you have for me, stating an importance on the here and now than what was performed in the past. Also what I love about you. But this disregard I feel whenever I mention something has me perplexed beyond imagining.

–> I’ve spent all morning typing this up. I’m not sure how else to pacify my nerves, and I feel like I’m enabling him a little. Where did this all start?

I said something totally fucking revealing and stupid in front of his friends. My mouth ran before my mind could catch it and tell myself to stop. I guess you could say that I still need to learn when to keep my goddamn mouth shut. And he says he’s not taking any offense about it, but I really think he is. 

Then later that night, I accidently bit him — hard — to which I apologized profusely. I didn’t mean to hurt him like that — once again, I was being dumb and not thinking. Alcohol has this effect on me. I still feel like shit about it, and then on top of all this, just puts the nails in the coffin. But he then says to me, “if you ever bite me like that again, I’ll smack you upside the head”…. 
I took this as a threat. To which I said, “Don’t say that to me.” 
He then tells me that I’m being too sensitive. HOW THE ACTUAL FUCK AM I BEING TOO GODDAMN SENSITIVE FOR A FUCKING PHYSICAL THREAT?!! 
That set me right the fuck off. I got triggered. So the past 48 hours have been Hell again wherein I’m about to crawl inside a bottle and not come out. I can’t focus on work. I can’t do anything right now except try to dispell the anxiety, shame, and guilt that I have accumulated over the past hours. 

I’m about to give up on me again. I thought I could do this. Maybe I can’t. Maybe I’m too fucked up to be in any sort of romantic relationship with anyone. And I know that if this ends, I likely won’t be doing this again. Ever. I’m almost 30. Everyone at this point is already paired off. What the hell is left except fucked up me? Who else is going to correspond with my own insanity?  

God my mind is all over the place. I can’t keep a thought for longer than 30 seconds. I keep jumping around, the anxiety hitting me hard right now, after I sent him a message over 30 minutes ago and he hasn’t responded. Trying my best to not be a psychobitch, I’m really trying to leave it alone. We are not on good terms right now, and I’m really trying hard to not upset the fragile environment this whole situation is in right now. And waiting makes me more nervous than anything on this damn planet.
I feel like crying again right now even though I emptied so many tears yesterday. I went to the gym in an effort to not feel like shit, but that didn’t even help.

Dear gods, I need a miracle right now. I need a fucking miracle. I know I’m likely not worthy to receive, but if you could find it in your hearts to give a little of that magic pixie dust over here, I would be insurmountably grateful. 

Maybe I am being too sensitive about a lot of these things. He signed on for a tough individual, which I am, but I can’t help it when shit comes up. Mentally, I’m weak. I’m working on becoming strong, but when my vulnerability is on the line here, it makes having that energy diverted into protecting that than making it stronger. Apply the bandaid and then we can talk about strength. I want to build strength but right now, but I can’t with all my resources trying to protect the hole in the wall. 

He says he’s given me everything, but I still treat him like the bad guy. Transference, he says, is what I’m doing — and I don’t think he’s wrong. I know that’s likely what I am doing and that’s all part of the healing process. I don’t mean to do that — and I’m not trying to make excuses for myself. But he keeps telling me to stop doing it, but that’s like asking a fish what math is. I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to stop these things from coming through. I don’t know how to do any of this. I don’t know what I’m doing over here, and I’m reaching out for every guide I can get my hands on to figure this out. I’m trying to fix it, really, I’m giving it everything I got… but progress can only go so fast. How can I have him understand that? How can I have him understand the struggle I’m going through, and that I’m not trying to undermine his or make his appear any less than mine? I’m not trying to play a comparison game here: I’m searching for mutual understanding. And when you say you can’t understand, that hurts. And when you tell me that I’m buying into some popular agenda because I’m afraid of my own femininity, that also hurts. 

I feel like I try so hard to justfy everything because I have nothing. I don’t have anything to back myself on, nor facts about myself that I firmly believe are my principles. I don’t think I even have them because they are supposed to be hard and fast rules, right? My moral alignment doesn’t allow hard and fast rules because rules are meant to be bent and broken and shaped to fit one’s reality. I can’t afford rules. I have an excuse to bend every rule. Perhaps maybe guidelines would be a better outfit. I think that would work. Have a set of guidelines for life instead of rules. Rules don’t fit, but guidelines do. So maybe Principled Guidelines would be a more appropriate title than rules.

And now I’m freaking out again over the unreplied text I sent close to an hour ago. What else did I say last night that he’s thinking about? Likely the whole identity issue thing. I finally confessed about the trans masculine thing, and he didn’t appear to take it well. 

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