February 23, 2017

This is new for me…. I usually write down my thoughts, but I find typing faster. I am so frustrated and sad. I never go through a week without crying at least two times. I feel so hurt. I’m in so much pain and deep anguish. I don’t know what family means; so much is going on. Have I ever knew what “family” meant? I feel like I’m living with roommates. I mean, everyone loves each other, my parents love me and my sibling a lot. They do so much, but in the end I feel like a mere puppet. I have so many restrictions. Every time I want to step out, the drag me back in. 

I feel so lonely, but I can’t help but isolate myself. I do not have someone to love dearly and constantly talk to me. I thought I was strong, and for years I have bottled up my feelings. I’m bottling them up more day by day, but they burst. The bottle explodes. 

Everything went downhill since the past summer. I had to go to intense therapy for a whole month, 5 days a week. Thus, I missed school. I feel so pressured. 

I have so many piano events and everything is stressing me out. I wish that my parents would be more understanding and know that constantly yelling at me won’t do me any good. I feel so, so lonely.

My sibling has changed so much. I don’t understand how everyone is able to put up with each other; even my dad confessed that he’s usually frustrated and fed up with everyone’s attitudes. But, everyone has different medical conditions, different points of views, different personalities, and different attitudes. As an Asian-American there is a large gap between the cultures my parents are used to, the the culture I am used to living right now.

Gosh, I have cut and scratch myself so much that there are so many bruises and scars in shapes of long slashes, X’s, or just oddly shaped tic-tacs. I go to so many doctors. Psychiatrists, counselors, psychologists, therapists; you name it. I feel so incredibly lonely and all I want is for someone to be there for me. Is that too much to ask for?

Right when things get a LITTLE better, everything tumbles down all over again. I feel so painful. I’ve wanted to die so many times, but something is holding me back. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pitying myself. I hate pity. I don’t like it when others pity me either. I just want this loneliness to end. I want to become an adult and get a freaking life as soon as possible; I don’t want to have some tic disorder where my muscles are constantly shaking all of the time for the rest of my life, or take 102+ mg of depression and anxiety meds everyday. 

I guess the disorder is stuck with me, but I don’t want to increase my medicine. Oh gosh; my thoughts are all over the place. I can’t think straight. I have so much homework, but I can’t concentrate. I am so afraid of my parents– especially my dad. I’m so scared. God, help me please. 

I just want someone to be there for me. 

2 thoughts on “February 23, 2017”

  1. Someday soon you’re going to be an adult, and you can get out of your house, and go do what you like, live your life out the way you want it. I’m not trying to sound pitying, but I’m sorry for what you’re feeling and going through right now, and I really hope you can just hang on so someday, things can get better for you.

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