it really is

Today my January SAT scores came out.

After that chaotic field trip, I walked home in the blistering two pm sun and checked my score. It sucks. 1480/1600. It’s not even up to 1500. I’m so disappointed in myself.

I have to take it again. March is too soon, and anyway the normal deadline has passed. May is when I’m taking the AP exams, and finals. So I’m taking it again in June. I feel like it’ll be a good time, since school will be over by then, and the scores would come out in July. Still summer break, so if they’re shit, I’ll have time to compose myself before school starts.

Fuck this. But you know, I still have a chance. At least the PSAT was good, that’s the first thing to becoming a National Merit Scholar. First hoop to jump over, jumped well. Anyway, I’m in the NHS now, all I need is to keep my service hours up.

I’m also determined to get as many different scholarships as possible. There’re some essay-writing ones that I can do, like the Fountainhead essay. I’ve read The Fountainhead before–didn’t like it, but I can write about it.

I have a million things to do tomorrow. Fantastic.

The field trip was partly awesome but mostly awful. The first two lectures were actually fairly interesting, especially the first one, because the professor had one of those PBS, old, patient voices. Then the third one was about military stuff, which set me off. Plus our group was second to eat lunch; I was starving–and it was after another half hour of a guy telling us to participate in Young Spurs. After lunch (which was decent, only the wheat bread of my sandwich was too dry) there was the most boring lecture yet, given by some writer we’ve never heard of. He’s writing a non-fiction book about ranching life, people, stories…. I was too tired to get into it. He had a lazy, southern-accented voice that put me to sleep. It was also too long, and we didn’t get to do anything in the library/museum either. We all thought we could walk around, but it didn’t happen. They used to let juniors walk around, but they don’t do it anymore. I didn’t even get a decent picture of anything. I know. I’m one of those annoying people who will take a million shots of a scene that loads of people with better cameras have already taken pictures of. It was chaotic even getting to the field trip at all; the school didn’t tell any of us anything. But we made it. Somehow I was marked absent in history class, even though I was supposed to be checked out for the trip. It was probably a mistake–most likely a sub. The subs we have are almost always fairly annoying, and incredibly clueless. They never know how to do anything. Or they’re just plain weird. The other day in English we had this god-awful sub with that horrible bitchy southern accent who had us stay silent, yet started Face-timing or calling someone on her phone. It was horrendous.

It’s eleven pm here. I should go to bed, but I almost don’t want to. I’m so upset about my SAT score that I’m numb. I’m deflated. I’m completely empty of everything but this urge to just lay down and die. It’s not that I’m sad, I’m just empty. I wish everything would just go away. Well, actually I’m also sad. I’m always sad. There are so many things to do just in school, and then the scholarship applications, service, trying to be a normal friendly person without shuttering in. I care too much about these things and it enrages me when other people don’t. I care too much about every fucking thing and it’s terrible. It really is.

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