Thought 5

I had a setback today.

The unfortunate thing is that my setback was due to telling the truth. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. However, it could have been easily avoided by not telling the truth, and then everything would have continued as pleasantly as it already had been going. I was starting to feel like things were going well, like I didn’t have that silent alarm going off in the back of my mind, like I needed to be ready for some pending crisis. And then…setback.

I had been given this assignment, which I’ve contemplated the meaning of before. I’ve certainly given thought as to why I do it, but what the end goal is, I’m not sure. Maybe that’s a thought for another day. Anyway, I was not keeping up with the schedule of my assignment, and then I was asked about it. I told the truth. No, I had not been, not as I had been assigned, but to my credit–which doesn’t count for anything anyway–I was about 50% compliant. 

The thing about this…setback…is that I’m used to lying to avoid conflict. My knee jerk reaction was to lie. “Yes, I’m doing everything as instructed.” But I didn’t do that. I fought back. I told the truth. “No, I’m not, but I’m trying. I’ll try harder.” That last part didn’t seem to matter, as well as the fact that I didn’t do what I’m used to doing. 

It makes me very sad, and very angry, that my progress goes completely unrecognized. There was a sign of change today, something that I could feel good about. Instead, I’m made to feel that there is no progress. Only setbacks.

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