Day 1/ Random thoughts
I don’t know when my life is going to end or ever end. It seems forever. I don’t have any motivation to do anything.
Everything seems so hopeless and meaningless. I wish I had courage to end my life. I am a coward.
I don’t want to be alive. I think like that every single day. I don’t have any reason to be here. Living is nothing but suffering. If I could choose to die without any hassle or pain, I would.
I have been off the medicine for a while. I don’t know it was even helping or not. I am not even sure if I am capable to feel good anymore.
I don’t know when I laughed the last time… I can’t remember…
I have been trying to sleep as much as possible. I dream a lot… mostly nightmares… but having bad dreams is way better being awake.
Actually I woke up feeling decent this morning. I jumped out of bed and went for a run. While running, I feel free. I run until my energy is totally out. I wish I could run all day long.
The thing is, I have made the life the way I wanted it to be. No kids, no job, no responsibilities. I have a husband who adores me and makes us money. I’ve got everything I need. I am fortunate for many ways. I am not sure why I feel so empty. I don’t feel anything… I don’t feel joy or upset…just numb…
My husband doesn’t understand me at all. Nobody can. I isolate myself. I don’t want to talk or do anything with anyone.
Nothing or no one can make me feel better. I am impossible.
I have been just waiting for a day to disappear. I know the world would be still the same without me.