Intoxicated and Melancholy

I have taken 2mg of an anti anxiety drug, downed a glass of wine and am sitting with another.  How did I get to  be this way?  I used to be so inspired.  So motivated.  So driven.  What the fuck happened?  Now I am sitting, tragically underemployed with no clear direction in which to head.  All of this may seem incoherent and nonsensical in hindsight, but I genuinely believe what I am writing.  I’m not attempting to edit for an audience.  I am not trying to appeal to a certain genre of readers.  Who is going to read my 2:00am ramblings, other than me?  Why the hell should I care?  

My brain is starting to feel heavy, along with my limbs and the rest of my body.  

Why do I seem to persistently pursue a path of self-destruction?  I sabotage most aspects of my life recently and I cannot identify a cause.  What is worse is that I know what I need to do to remedy my situation, yet have no genuine desire or drive to do so.  It’s as though I am seeking comfort in this new normality I’ve discovered.  I’m sure, if I could afford it, I would delve deeper into my self-destructive behavior with heavier drugs, more alcohol…I’m sure whatever I could get my hands on it.

I acknowledge that it is utterly and completely selfish.  It is horrible for me to put myself in the forefront of my worries when I have a family to care for.  But then, at the back of my mind, there is a piece of me that understands that I have always been putting others first.   I have never genuinely taken care of myself for any extended length of time.  I’ve never given myself the opportunity.  I have always had a partner, a family….whoever take prescience over my own situation.  I am not undermining others’ situations or anything…but…

See here I fucking go again justifying my actions.  Why?  Why do I need to justify being a little selfish?  I have been selfless my whole existence and now I want to take some time to sort my shit out.  But with which resources?  I have an LCSW and a psychologist.  This is m team  Do I need more?  What do i need to get better.  What the fuck do I need to do to get better.

 

Someone just give me answers jesus christ.  

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