I have taken 2mg of an anti anxiety drug, downed a glass of wine and am sitting with another. How did I get to be this way? I used to be so inspired. So motivated. So driven. What the fuck happened? Now I am sitting, tragically underemployed with no clear direction in which to head. All of this may seem incoherent and nonsensical in hindsight, but I genuinely believe what I am writing. I’m not attempting to edit for an audience. I am not trying to appeal to a certain genre of readers. Who is going to read my 2:00am ramblings, other than me? Why the hell should I care?
My brain is starting to feel heavy, along with my limbs and the rest of my body.
Why do I seem to persistently pursue a path of self-destruction? I sabotage most aspects of my life recently and I cannot identify a cause. What is worse is that I know what I need to do to remedy my situation, yet have no genuine desire or drive to do so. It’s as though I am seeking comfort in this new normality I’ve discovered. I’m sure, if I could afford it, I would delve deeper into my self-destructive behavior with heavier drugs, more alcohol…I’m sure whatever I could get my hands on it.
I acknowledge that it is utterly and completely selfish. It is horrible for me to put myself in the forefront of my worries when I have a family to care for. But then, at the back of my mind, there is a piece of me that understands that I have always been putting others first. I have never genuinely taken care of myself for any extended length of time. I’ve never given myself the opportunity. I have always had a partner, a family….whoever take prescience over my own situation. I am not undermining others’ situations or anything…but…
See here I fucking go again justifying my actions. Why? Why do I need to justify being a little selfish? I have been selfless my whole existence and now I want to take some time to sort my shit out. But with which resources? I have an LCSW and a psychologist. This is m team Do I need more? What do i need to get better. What the fuck do I need to do to get better.
Someone just give me answers jesus christ.