Changed Life Persepective (for now)

Today was pretty intense.

I thought that I was going to DIE, well at least it felt so. I didn’t do one crap for this Carnival vacation and my heart just starts to beat heart in my chest. I feel all light headed as I make something off the back of my hand (some basic looking pastry from random food items.) I just remember two days ago getting a cut on my wrist just to hear my dad starting that it’s what persons who commit suicide do. Two tears left one of my eyes and I felt a bit weak.

I felt to tell him all that I was feeling ,but ,hey, us millennials are pretty sensitive. What’s the point? I felt to bow down on my knees to my mom to apologize for everything I did to spite her. She had to wash those dishes by herself after I clumsily cut myself for the second time since I shaved my leg. I felt as though I could have been doing more or could have been in another place than the current one I was in.

I didn’t even do any work on Sunday. The Sabbath day! She works so hard to take me to lessons and provides for me. Why am I acting so ungrateful? The same goes for my dad. He just wants to lead me in the right direction in life and I’ve been blind for a great portion of the journey so far. I feel as though I’m the cause for most of the conflict that has happened in the family so far. I don’t think I have a puzzle piece that fits me well in that house but I can relate to my dad in a way that my mom and sister can’t. He thrives on structure, organization, hard-work, diligence, promises and commitment. He grew up tough unlike me. I can feel my femininity fading away when he’s around. I feel as if I have this strong presence when I pass people on the daily.

I hate the attention feeling but need it in order to get recognized for what I am doing. And let me tell you, it feels weird. It’s probably just my thoughts being reflected unto the world subconsciously.

Well…..back to the dizziness. Well, I thought a lot in that short space in time. I thought about me dying in a split second as I clasped my hands against my ears to block the screeching sound. I really hate getting sick. I have so many people who care for me and I’m just letting them fall through my fingers like sand. It infuriates me so much yet I don’t show it.

Why do I thrive on letting myself quietly suffer when communication seems so be my only medication? I hate feeling like a coward and the victim. As I sat on the edge of my bed with my mom giving me some Andrew’s to drink I felt as though I was dying. I’m so not ready to die yet but then again that Bible that I so optimistically and strongly said that I was going to read just looks as if it it sitting on my table collecting dust or just wishing to be in the hands of someone who would actually use it.

I don’t want to miss my chance which I presently can’t seem to pin point. I now see what my dad was saying about learning. It’s not about book sense alone but knowing what’s going on around you. Also if you stick with something make sure you love it and learn a skill. His saying sometimes make me wonder why he is not a scientist or teacher by now. One of the most saddest days in my life would be when my parents die. I want o repay them before they go and hope that I make it to heaven with them where I know they would be having the time of their lives. This whole thing is in orange as it’s my mom’s favourite colour.

Love you mom. I still haven’t given her a birthday present yet. She deserves the best. I feel like I can teach everyone in my family something.

Dad, this one’s for you. You have given me the key to a great life and work so hard. I love seeing you talk to people now. I used to think now but now I understand that you just love to rebel a little subconsciously( seems like it to me) because you’ve already mentally studied something and want to explore the next step or route in life. I know that sometimes you feel as though you’re wasting your time sending out your voice of wisdom to my sister and I but just want you to know that it is not one bit of a waste of time to me. I am constantly thinking of the things you say and am finally understanding what you are trying to say. Most of the time you try to save our asses and what we plan to do just backfires. It may seem as though you want to hang with your friends more than your family but I understand that sometimes you just want a break from our insolence. Completely understandable. I used to think that leo’s were admirable but there is something existent about you aquarian’s so striking. You give people what they want to hear and value friendship. And with that comes a lot of trust which I seem to lack. I hope one day that I can have a deep conversation with you about my thoughts and hope in my heart that they don’t repel you to the point of never speaking to me again. I want to repay in the same way that you have worked hard to support this entire family.

Sister….This one is for you. I know that I was a horrible sister in your early childhood but you have blossomed well. You did better than me in Secondary School and have a great heap of friends that I’m sure would never let you down. You know just how to crack me up and stick with your goals while having fun. You really know how to radiate your light bright. Sometimes we may get into petty arguments but just know that the bond we have is like no other. I love you so much sissy. Love ya hoe.

Mom…last but not least this one is for you. I love you so much and just want to show you but know that I am a bit cold inside and may or may not show it. I miss the days when I used to wake up hugging you and thanking you for lunch. I really miss being a little child now. It seems as though growing up has made me numb t life. You’ve been through so much and saying that I want to make you proud is not enough. You just want use to do well and I often take it for granted. After all, the most beautiful roses are picked first. I’d miss you so much when the last hand has struck. You’ve been through my best and my worst and care for me in an non-explainable way. I know that you want me to be strong for this approaching chapter in life that I would have to get used to.

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