Day 21 – suicide

i dont want to live anymore. i dont have enough energy to live.  can baerly get out of bed in the morning and wen im done with school then i go back to the house right away and watch tv or just lay there til i cry myself asleep. i havent slept well in weeks. i have restless night sleeps and i wake up multiple times a night. i am exhausted all the time. i try so hard to keep myeslf in a good mood or at least not mad or upset but nothing is workig i just am upset and mad and tired and then by me trying so hard i get exhuasted from it and then i get even more exhuasted tryingto keep going and having nothing work bc then i get burnt out from all that work and all that failer!! 

I GIVE UP!!! i give up on life i give up on trying to feel something. I give up on trying overall: school, feeling good, relationships (friends and girlfriend). I just give up.

not that i nessisarly want to kill myself or that i want to but im done trying. i have considered trying something and thinking about doing something but i dont think i am actually going to do it.  

the weird thing is is that today my gf came up to me and said that she was worried about me and caes about me. and that other people care about me and worry too. the thing is is that she also told/ said to me that she knows that makes me feel a little better bc deep inside i want people to care and for people to worry. and in the past i have wanted that and i sometimes would even do something or sa yim feeling a certian way bc i was wondering if anyone was still caring. but today wen she told that to me, wen she said that to me nothing in me felt different or changed. i didn’t feel anything. I just felt numb. I truely do not care if people care about me or worry about me rn. i honestly dont feel like anyone would miss me if i was gone except my gf. and i wouldn’t say that on here if i felt differently bc ik this is anonymous and no one that i know has an account and no one i know knows that i have this account and id like to keep it that way. that way i can be sure that i am anonymous. i really truely dont care if people are caring or anything. its not like it would make a difference to them if i was in there life or not.  i really hate my life and i hate me and i want to die. i dont care how i go i just want to just off a cliff or sit in the middle of the street until a buss comes and hits me. or just get run over by a car. but i really dont want to try something and have it fail and then im just stuck in a hospital for weeks and not being able to talk or anything. at least ik people that are dead and i think i could become friends with them wen i am dead. i was wondering this morning wat would happen if i overdos on musinex . or wat would happen or if anything would happen bc i do have some of those. 

11 thoughts on “Day 21 – suicide”

  1. First world problems bro. We come home to watch TV all day with all the free time and resources in the world, and we want to kill ourselves afterwards because we don’t have a life purpose.

    Find your own destiny in life my friend. Also, change your diet. Most likely too much junk food, not enough fruits and vegetables to help you feel better.

  2. its just so hard. i dont know what to say. everything in my life is stressful and overwhelming and i have anxiety and depression witch makes everything worse. one night i was up really late and i was crying because i was so overwhelmed woth everything and i started to write a list of all the things that were on my mnd that i had any sort of stressed about. 147. 147 things. i have erased some and i have created some over the ast couple of days. but its a lot and its hard and stressful and i not really sure how to change any of it. some i can but some.. there is just so much unknown and that scares me. i hate the unknown. and not knowing whats going to happen. i need a plan.

  3. today i got assigned a 5 page essay due in a week. thats too much. I cant right 5 pages in a week. and ihave to do as well or better on than my last one and on my last one i got an 80 so i need that or higher. I dont know if i can do that

  4. that would be a good thing. i am have depression and axniety and ADHD and dislexya and a shit ton of other problems that i would never want to pass on to anothr human. it would just be creul to do that. only a psycho would do that to their own childern. besides i have brothers they can continue our families shit.

  5. I’ve had a friend kill himself. it’s something that I will never forget and it’s something that I don’t wish anyone to go though. This was a few years back and the biggest words of advice that I have are that it’s just not worth it. He was a Sophomore in High School at the time and I was there with his mother after she found out that he had shot himself at his dads. Seeing her reaction and seeing the amount of love of the people that surrounded her was what opened my eyes. His funeral was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to watch. Over 500 students and staff showed up. You are loved by more than you will ever know, or realize. I’ve also learned that the impact left behind after someone passes away (especially at a young age) is something that will never leave anyone the same, especially those closest to you. There will be brighter days and the days will get easier. Especially after you’ve left school. I wish you nothing but the best and I hope you find peace <3

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