Falling Apart

This relationship is falling apart. 6 months in and I just feel like I’m talking to a wall. I do not feel supported or understood in this entire thing, which are deal breakers for me. In accordance with my gender identity issues, he goes and says that all this is simply my buying into a new age scheme that will go away like a fad. He was drunk when he said this, but often times the truth comes out when someone’s under the influence. So that tells me that he doesn’t even respect me all that much. 

Call me crazy, but isn’t that what a relationship is? Love, support, respect? I don’t think I’m getting any of those. He says he loves me, but how can you love someone when you don’t support or respect them? I find it very difficult to understand even this. Hell, I know you can respect an enemy simply because of whatever aspect that you see: honor, shrewdness… what have you. But not to respect your lover? Then what’s the point of even having them around? 

I feel like I’m doing all the work in this goddamn thing and getting nothing out of it. All that I keep getting is put down, discounted, and possibly even gaslighted. I realize I forget a lot of things, but shit — this is ridiculous. There’s no way that I miss as much as he claims. 

I’ve been wondering about continuing on with the relationship now since last Wednesday when he told me I’m too sensitive. And then since then, it has not let up. But am I just nitpicking now? Am I looking to end the relationship because it’s really fucking difficult and I want out? I may have had lofty expectations of relationships in its entirety, but I wasn’t expecting this much of a struggle. Is it because I don’t love, respect, and support myself? I suppose that is possible, as I lack a lot of self esteem and self care, hoping that someday someone will show me just why they love me. 

But I will never believe a word they say because I am convinced they are under some sort of spell that there’s no way they could ever love the real me — whatever the hell that is. 

I had this really weird and really vivid dream on Sunday/Monday. Several people and I were called outside our office and told to sat on this bench. They had figured out that a body had been buried in the park in front of this office — and that grave was right in front of me, about 3 ft below the ground. It had been two years since this person died by my hands at the request of someone else. I remember this clearly. And in the dream, this person had given me a set of instructions to follow once this person was dead, that I followed to the letter. There were clues strewn about in places that I was told to have them. I saw the clues dotting the yard in front of us, and all I could think was to be in a panic. I had killed this person, and everyone was going to know about it. Panic. Sheer panic. What was I going to do? How could I hide this? Was there any way for me to deny that this person died because of me? No. Helplessness. Panic. I was going to be caught. 
Then I woke up, truly thinking that this had been a memory. But then I had to remember I hadn’t killed anyone. I hadn’t buried anyone anywhere and that it was all a dream. It was terribly vivid though, and all I could think about was my sin being exposed for everyone to see. 

I know what all that means. There was something about myself that I had “killed” back in the day, and now it’s coming back up to the surface. No surprise with the therapy and all that there are certain issues that would be arisen. Hell, issues have been rising for months now and I don’t know what to do about it. 

Hell, the only reason I keep being with this man is because I’m waiting to see what other shit gets stirred up. What else is hiding in there that needs to come to light? There’s a grave secret and I intend to find out what it is. This relationship is the crucible that I am bruning inside, and I want to know what lies at the heart of me. What lies beneath the brambles and the thorns? What am I hiding from myself and everyone else? 

Sigh

I want this relationship to work out so much. It’s the only thing that’s on my mind, and yet like my friend pointed out, maybe we’re just not compatible. We’re a lot alike on the same things — even in bad points — which is why I’m wondering if he’s projecting a little too onto me about his own issues. Idk. I’m not him. I’m not his therapist. 
I just want this to work out. That is all I can think of, and I can sense my own desperation is clouding my judgment (as it usually does). Maybe I should take my friends’ advice into account because my own lack of judgment had brought me this far into another situation that I can’t do again. 

Gods, I need some help. If any of you are up there listening, I require your aid in whatever endeavour I’m supposed to take. Guide me thus. 

2 thoughts on “Falling Apart”

  1. At very first, I began to analyze this behavior as simple misunderstandings but the further I read, a red flag appeared. Gas-lighting. Another problem is lack of communication. All relationships take some work and require honest communication. Nobody’s partnership with another is perfect and some of the closest relationships have their moments of disagreements. In your situation, you seem completely unsure of your partner’s motives as well as even yourself. Have you ever sat back and really wondered if this sort of hardship is worth it? I understand you feel love for this man, but if it’s hurting you this much, then you must find some sort of resolution. I am a firm believer that if there is real love, it can be worked on and it can be fixed, but both parties would have to want that. If in fact he is already gas-lighting, then expect that you are probably in a sinking ship.

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