Journal Entry No. 2

Dear J,

So remember how last time I said I was going to call it off with the guy I was seeing? Well, I wrote him a letter (which took 3hrs), and then we met up and sat around talking about it for over 2hrs. Which was good. We cleared things up, gave each other lots to think about, and generally (hopefully) improved ourselves in doing so. I did however, want to share what I wrote to him.

“C,

I am writing this now in a letter, because I’ll probably forget some or maybe even all of what I need to say, or maybe I just won’t say it correctly when I see you. 

For a while now, you’ve been stressing about not being included in my life as much as you would like, or think you should be. Meanwhile I’ve been stressing about my Grandpa’s impending death, moving house, renovating said new house, assignments being due for my study, and needing to find a new job to pay for my course, while also being about to start on my new venture into the artistic realm. Trying to balance everything time wise and emotionally wise has been challenging, but trying to include you as well… I can’t do it.

I have said repeatedly that you have come into my life at a very challenging time and that I can’t dedicate a lot of time to you. While you say you understand, you constantly get shitty with me, complain and demand attention. I can’t keep arguing about the same thing. 

Yes, I am in a stressful stage in my life, but there isn’t anything you could’ve done. I already have a support network, and you have been expecting that you have as much right to know my business as people I have known for the majority of my life. When I have been struggling with other issues, I get messages from you where I am made to feel guilty for not including you in my stress when it would do NOTHING to benefit me to include you in the stress, considering you would then become stressed yourself and then I’d have to deal with your stress too. 

My grandpa had literally died THAT morning and you had the audacity to chastise me that evening about not contacting you regarding it when you were one of the first people to come to mind and tell, but you didn’t have a phone (which I thought may have included Facebook messenger), so I did the next best thing I could think of and messaged your sister. But that you could message me about not keeping you updated, when I had literally had to pick out a shirt to cover my Grandpa’s corpse, witness my cousin (who is a nurse) breaking down because she couldn’t close my Grandpa’s mouth or eyelids, and then deal with the family already talking about inheritance and asset distribution, is it any f–ing wonder I didn’t want to talk to anyone. 

Something we have discussed previously is our beliefs about co-dependancy vs. self-reliance. 100% immersion in someone’s life is practically impossible, and ultimately unhealthy because you end up with no life yourself. We should not be two halves of a whole, we should be two individuals forming a couple.

You say you want to try new things but there is no evidence of action. I suppose the best example would be the Rowing Club. We’d never spoken about it previously, but as soon as I mentioned joining the B– Rowing Club you said, “Oh that’s great. I wish I lived near there, I would join too and we could rowing together.” I don’t think you perhaps realised just how creepy and stalker-ish that sounded. And then, when given the opportunity to join a rowing club, or any club for that matter, you are resistant to it. 

I feel perhaps that a lack of close friends (and believe me, if you don’t talk about them or make an effort to catch up, they are not close friends), or desire to create new ones (yes you want new friends, but it’s an apathetic desire) has led you to become overly attached in such a short space of time, to someone who you could talk to. Because you became so attached/reliant so quickly, and I was scared of putting in any more effort, because I don’t know how you’d react if I left, and it would appear as if I condone that clingy behaviour, which I do not.

You can’t adopt my life, you need to create your own. I am all for you listening to something I have tried and deciding to try it yourself. What concerns me is that you don’t try anything without me basically forcing you to. It really showed when you asked me to help you buy new clothes. Your clothing reflects your personality, so if you want to change/develop a style, you need to develop yourself/your personality/your life. I can’t do that for you, nor should I.

This year is the chance for you to try new things, meet new people, and think about the person you are and the person you want to be. It’s a year of development. Finding your likes and dislikes. Adding more colourful facets to the puzzle of who you are. It’s a journey that you need to take, and a puzzle you need to solve on your own. I am happy to be there for you and play Devil’s advocate so to speak, but I can’t mould you into the person I want, because in the end, you need to be true to yourself, which includes how much of this you take on board, if any of it.

Samantha”

So there we are. It served it’s purpose. I spent three hours on it, even though it only came to a page when typed out, because I was trying to not be mean, but make sure I got my point across properly. Unfortunately he didn’t want to remain in contact (even though we were friends prior to all this), because it would be to hard on him, which I can respect. But it is sad because we got along well in general.

Oh well, onwards we go.

 

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