Was it just a dream?

Every single day I lose another piece of you. Yet every single day I gain another piece of me.
But I’m losing the memories, they’re all starting to fade. Some days I’m not even sure they even happened.

Was it just a dream?

You covered my car with thousands of post-its. Never forgot a Valentine’s Day. Dedicated the final song of my senior prom to me – you weren’t even my date that night, let alone even there. We named a cat together. Scout. Planned a family together. AJ & CJ. I used to sneak over to your house when your parents weren’t home. I still remember how easily our hands fit together. The sound of your heart beating in your chest. My head resting there. The smirk of your lips. The way you used to kiss me. The way you smiled at me. Our cute nicknames for each other. Ace. Your high card. Gilmore Girls. You used to record videos randomly for me to watch – after hours apart, or even just seconds. You serenaded me with both sex and love songs. Chris Brown – his songs, I still can’t bare to listen to them. God. I remember the way you used to look at me… Like I was your whole world. Beginning, middle, end.

“My whole world begins and ends, with you.”

Your parents hated me, hated us, and yet still we fought to be together. When so many times we could have given up. And yet still, I denied the immensity of what you were to me. Told my closest friends we weren’t ever anything. Nothing more than a passing fling, a moment of weakness, a relationship out of convenience. And yet here we are. You’re the one that haunts me at night.

I used to be there for you even after we were done. After you walked away from me for good with so much as a reason. You’d cry out in the night and reach out to me. A drunk dial here. A sad text marathon there. I would do anything to be there for you – wanting nothing more than to support you. After all, you were my best friend. If nothing else, I was still that and that had to count for something. Right? Right..?

And years later, I still was the one. The one you compared everyone else to. How much did they make you laugh – was it as much as I made you? What they did was so thoughtful – but would I have done something different? What you wanted to do on a night off – why did they have to ask when I would have already known? I was the gold standard. Until one day I wasn’t. Until one day, you stopped reaching out to me. Stopped needing me. Stopped needing to talk to me.

And all along you thought you were the weak one. See, while you assumed I had moved on. Turned the page and never looked back. That you were the only one still hung up on what was. Naw. It wasn’t true. Hell, I was just beginning to realize what we once were. Damn. What we once were. And would never be, could never be.. again.

But where are you now that I need you? You’ve found someone new, someone who is the new measure of what you want in a relationship. And you’ve forgotten about me. You’ve forgotten about all those nights I was there for you. All those days, weeks, months, years we were each other’s everything. And now we’re nothing. Not lovers, best friends, friends, even acquaintances.
Hell, I talk more to my mailman than I talk to you.

And tonight I’m here. Thinking, waiting, wishing. That one day that last piece of you gets lost for good. And that final piece of me makes me whole again.

I loved you.

I just miss having you – in the “be there for you through thick and thin, against the world, no matter what you’ve got me” kinda way.

2 thoughts on “Was it just a dream?”

  1. This really struck a chord with me. For the first time, I have heard (in this instance read) the way someone has felt about someone else and thought that is similar to the deep, uncontrollable, horrible, amazing love that I have for my ex. The type of love that completely consumes you, you wish it would go away but at the same time, you never want it to fade, because it reminds you just how deeply you can love. I have faced many of the issues that you have. My one piece of advice- 60 day no contact. You’ve probably heard this before, but I mean 60 day no contact, at all, in any way, shape or form. I had done the whole not replying thing, that was fine. But this 60 day contact involves not looking at a single photo of him, or his facebook page, or his twitter feed, or any message in which he is related. I am yet to reach 60 days, I have had to repeatedly reset. But every time I do, it at least reminds me it’s getting easier. The only way you will ever get over your ex is if you completely erase them from your life, temporarily at least. I wish you all this happiness and hope, heartbreak is the worst thing that you can ever experience.

  2. Thank you for your comment, I’m thankful to hear I’m not the only one. And by that I mean, of course there are people out there experiencing this all consuming love. Many nights I’ve wished to just talk to one. This really helps me in that way. I’m going to try your advice – 60 days no contact. I’m sure I will be like you, always having to restart. Just today I looked at a picture of him. But maybe tomorrow, I’ll get to check off that first day.

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