03/02/2017 04:35 Stepping on Toes.

I have no idea where my life is going, I am worried and afraid. I keep having nightmares about life, where it is heading, what I have and what I have lost or might lose. On one hand I am up for a promotion at Domino’s even though I have only been working there since the start of February. I put in a lot of effort and try to make things run as smoothly and efficiently as possibly for myself and all other employees so the GM(general manager) has decided to teach me how to run shift and do the paperwork so that I can become a shift leader. It is sort of intimidating since most of the people working there are men old enough to be my Dad and have worked there for years and I am brand new. But I believe I would be able to do it. But then my mind lingers on the thought that if I get this promotion will I be inclined to stay at this job and turn it into a career. I logically could but I don’t know for sure how I would or what the next steps would be. So that leads me to wonder about returning to college, as my boyfriend tells me I should. I think about going back and trying to finish but I get caught up on how hard studying is and reading in general. Dyslexia makes it hard for me to learn which is why I did poorly in high school and my previous attempts at college. I am not claiming that as the full reason because there have been many brilliant mathematicians, engineers, and students of all fields with dyslexia who got excellent marks and did very well. I am just not as smart as most people perceive me to be. Thus I don’t fully want to return to college because I run the risk of failing again and being more of a disappointment to myself and my family. I also keep letting my mind wonder back to my family, the one I have and the one I might have one day. February 28th was my fathers birthday and I messaged him on Facebook but I don’t know if he’ll respond. The last tie we talked was January 4th when his mother passed away and her funeral was held. On that day he told me he was upset that we don’t talk enough and that he was always there if I needed him. Also that he was upset he hasn’t met my boyfriend but then at the beginning of February I began messaging him asking if he would help me till I got my first check from work or if he wanted to meet my boyfriend but never got an answer. Anytime we actually see one another he says he wishes we talked more and he saw me more but then almost goes out of his way not to see me. I couldn’t imagine doing that to a child, constantly leaving them wondering why they weren’t enough or weren’t good enough to be loved even from birth. But I sort of feel like I don’t have the right to say anything since when I accidently got pregnant I threw it away because I didn’t think I would be able to support it or care for it in the way it needed. I keep having nightmares about it, and about being alone. One that is particularly haunting is where I am sitting in a soft, warm, yellow, nursery holding a ball of blankets that is wrapped around a baby but I can’t see the child as a soft melody plays around me. Suddenly the music stops and the baby vanishes from inside the blankets and I cant feel it. I pull at the blankets trying to find the child but it isn’t there and when I look up the room has changed. Instead of the nursery I am in the bottom of a cold, dark, wet hole. I try to climb the walls but can’t and even as I try it rips out my fingernails and blood begins to poor from the tips of my fingers. I cry out for the baby, never saying a name just, “My baby, my baby” but then I hear two voices at the same time speaking in tangent, one a dark graveled masculine voice the other a shrill hateful female one. The mock me and tell me they took the child that I don’t deserve it I wasted one and should never be allowed another and that now I have to rot in this pit forever to think about what I’ve done and I will be alone, forever. It’s terrifying and I wish it would stop. So far if I take melatonin I don’t dream it since I don’t dream at all when I take it, but it fills me with drought. I begin to wonder if their right, I mean I know it’s just a nightmare but still. All I am left with is a vogue empty feeling that there is no real consolidation for and wondering what my life is going to be and where I will go. But for now I have work to think about and try to concentrate on, so I must sleep.

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