I seem often to complain and bitch about what’s going on with my life that I forget that some good things happen too.   

But then the anxiety sets in, and reminds me that there’s always something to be fearful about. My current SO seems to be a trigger for me. It puts me into high gear. Not because I’m afraid of he himself, but more about the situation that I am currently in.   

I wrote last time about what I thought was happening, and someone replied that I was being gaslighted. He’s not the first to state this to me. I described to my other friend what was happening, and he said the same thing. Jesus god, did I really do this again?   

I have an appt with my therapist today, where likely she’ll be the final word on this situation.   

But there is another thing that happened the other day. I have been an anxious mess for the past week, and finally on Tuesday when we met up, he noticed that I was acting differently. I tried my best to play it off, that I was fine, that everything was fine. Finally, I confessed that no, I wasn’t alright but it wasn’t his problem. He got visibly upset. I said to him that I was scared to tell him anything anymore because I don’t want to set him off again and get another rebuke. He then says that he’s not gonna do that and that he would rather hear me out then anything else. So I tell him that when he said that my gender identity issues weren’t valid, pretty much dismissing them, I felt a serious blow from that. You don’t believe me, was the message I received. You don’t understand me, and you don’t respect me. 
He says to me that in the heat of that moment when we were both intoxicated, it was not right for him to say that. There were a lot of nuances he didn’t understand in concerns with that and he spoke out of turn when that happened. He’s been researching this whole thing since it happened, and there is “a lot my analytical mind did not get.” And then he apologized. He fucking apologized. I had never been so impressed in my life. 
I then asked him why he loves me. I was expecting a canned response about kindness, but then he goes and says it’s my genuine nature. His friends love me. His sister loves me. And he doesn’t feel like I’m out to get him. 
Side note: my friends really don’t love you after the hell I’ve put them through with this whole debacle. They’re all going that this whole gender identity issue that he went ahead and disregarded is unacceptable. I would agree, and I was moments away from breaking up with him until he said that: that he’s trying to improve his understanding of me. If there was no effort, then I’d be gone by now. But he appears to be trying to understand…. 

Sigh. I’m just really wondering what’s truly going on, and whether he just said that to keep me around. There were some things that he said that would normally not happen unless there was some sort of looking into it. 
I really want to believe that he’s trying. I’d hate to test him, but is this situation calling for that? Is my entire situation calling for that? 

I really need more confidence in myself, and not to let him become one of my anxiety triggers because I can’t ever truly know what’s going on. That makes me anxious is the uncertainty with this investment I have. What’s going to happen? I can’t tell, and I don’t know. I would like to know one way or another so I can brace myself if necessary, but I have to keep reminding myself that I will never know and that whatever happens, happens and I can’t control it. All I can do is control how I react to my surroundings and situations in that present moment. Trying to anticipate does nothing for my nerves, and I’m tired of constantly feeling anxious, wondering if I’m about to get hurt, wondering if this is the moment he decides I’m just too much, too complex, too different despite our similarities. 

We are a lot alike apart from reasoning and working out problems. It’s the exact opposite of mine, taking the past into consideration and its contribution to the present problem. When we got in that fight, he said to me that my bringing up my trans issues that I was deflecting from the original problem and that frustrated him that we were not getting to the root of the problem. I have this understanding that all roots of problems lie in what’s happened long ago and its contribution to someone’s behavior. His is simply, what’s the problem, what’s at the core of it, and let’s fix it. The “minutiae” of the past is not helping. 
Little weird reasoning and I keep getting flashes of my ex and his explanation of what he thought love was. This was just before I found out that he was in love with his “best friend”. I understand people deal with the world differently, and I don’t quite understand it, but I can work with it despite my not knowing it all or completely understanding it. 

This relationship is the single most challenging thing I have ever done in my entire life. 

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