Wouldn’t Read

Well it’s ten to one, Aphex Twin aren’t bad. There’s a tremendous tightness in my chest. I feel a bit crook. Haven’t felt good all evening. Sunburnt, keeps giving me these terrible headaches. I’ve spent the better part of the last decade sitting on the internet and I haven’t made a single friend on it. That’s probably unusual. Only just occurred to me. Apparently writing things out can be therapeutic, especially if you’ve no one to talk to. I think my ability to trust people got damaged a long time ago, and I’m only just now conscious of it. People have once or twice said I don’t trust them enough. I feel burnt out and pent up, tired all the time. Everything to the horizon looks terrible. I don’t think this much suffering is worth it, and I’ve said this so many times it’s practically meaningless now but I feel like it’s getting worse. Things are closing in. Where are you supposed to go? There’s no one. And I hate my own company most of all. The only time I feel OK is when I’m sitting in the sun. And summer just finished, it’s Autumn now and then comes Winter and it’ll become truly brutal. That’s the time for despairing alcoholism. I drank all this weekend, not very much, I’ve barely felt like drinking all this year. It almost takes too much effort it seems. And the hangovers got to the point of making it all not worth it.

New paragraph. Text got bigger, strange. I’m drinking a glass of wine now. I have to get up in 4 hours. Nothing unusual about that. Work is probably the only thing making life tolerable but all I think about is quitting. I feel OK when I’m there, but I look forward to getting home. Then when I’m home I feel awful and want to quit. That doesn’t make any sense. I thought perhaps I was going to give myself a heart attack from the stress. Won’t say why exactly but tonight was distinctly unpleasant. It’s ridiculous to expect myself to go lay in the dark, alone, for 1 or 2 hours waiting to fall asleep. Terrible things happen there. Evil thoughts. I think most people have people they talk to, people they trust and they vent to. I honestly don’t have anyone. Even when I did, as a kid, it was always very difficult. Took a long period of extreme difficulty to get any words out. Would oppress me for days, whatever it was. Now that is even worse and I have no one I feel I could talk to. So I’m throwing my hopelessness out into the aether, like it’ll do anything.

Honestly I feel like the suffering makes this not worth it. Like it’s really impossible and I genuinely don’t want to continue. If I actually had a heart attack I’d be a deer in the headlights, your higher cognitive function would shut down and you’d go primordial, freak out and do anything to stay alive. But if when I think it through I know it’s the best thing to do. Most nights I quickly come to the conclusion that I must, that there is no choice in it. Only a matter of when. I absolutely must do it, it’s imperative. Once or twice in the last couple months I had these moments of clarity when I saw how terrible a thing it would be to do, and knew that it was the absolute worst thing imaginable. But they didn’t last very long.

I avoid everyone I know as best I can while feeling completely alone and isolated. I don’t want to open up to anyone or have them open up to me. I just want to be left alone. There is no future I can see that is good for me. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I really don’t, I have a surprising ability to let things continue on in an intolerable state for a very long time. But if I had any initiative I’d almost certainly use it to off myself so there’s that. I thought writing something down would make me feel better. It’s been a long time since I did it. I’m now 15 minutes into it and remembering that old empty feeling you get when you’re running out of bullshit and you realise this isn’t helping any. You can get some tremendous waves of apathy at this point. You barely manage to slide the mouse over to submit it, and then you go back to bed and stare at the darkness for 2 hours.

I know everyone goes through tremendous difficulty in their lives, most people anyway. So I don’t know why I feel so terribly alone. Loneliness is a shared experience. But I can’t open up to anyone. I’m physically unable to do it. Everything inside me screams to get away from people. So I do. And then I feel a bit better, until I feel much worse. People make me tired though. And maybe they just can’t help anyway. Everyone is alone. Whether you know it or not.

I had the rug ripped out from under me when I was 10 and have been in freefall since. I don’t know up from down. There was nothing under the rug.  I can’t see anyone. Would you want a long life if the entire thing would be spent by yourself? I think most people would not. Solitary confinement is torture for a reason. I’ve run out of anything to say, I just don’t want to go back to bed. Christ somebody save me.

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