a-ha

I always seem to have these mini A-ha moments about myself
today I a-ha’d that I am actually mourning the life I thought I would have. its not the people from the past or present but myself i am missing. I miss how fun I used to be and spontaneous. I miss how ever day was an adventure that I wanted and couldn’t wait to take. I wake up most days feeling like I am definitely crawling through someone else’s version of happiness. I rush through everyday waiting to get to the end and through to the light at the end of the tunnel.
I rush for my kids to grow up
I rush to have a job again
I rush for Andrew to make more money
I rush to get out of the mindless grosse fuck of a town
I rush to find myself without the demands of a husband or children.
people say these are the day you will miss. my mental health will not let me enjoy them and I doubt it will let me miss it. I feel like everyday I am closer to dying and I get that much more depressed. I wanted to be one of those extraordinary people and instead I created a life I loath. how do I create something I want to be a part of. I’m not a materialistic person, thank god because we are poor as fuck, but I feel like if I do certain things they will make me happy and they don’t.

I don’t want to be fat so I exercise which iam feeling good about.
I want to learn to sew
I want to learn to take better photos so I spend money on a course
I want more tattoos
I miss my old friends
some days I feel 18 most days I feel 80.
I wish I could clearly map out every moment second minute hour of everyday so I could see the end and know I was fulfilled. what if I am never happy or satisfied. what if I make bad decision thinking they will achieve this version I think I want to be? the war with myself is never ending and the more I think I want something the less closer I get to achieving it. I always liked being around kids but I don’t think I ever wanted to be a mom. I would’ve made a good aunt but never should’ve been a mom . too late for that x3. I waste my time reading crap or on the computer comparing and hoping for someone else’s life. its not fair to the kids or myself. I have tried to delete media and don’t know why I cant keep off of it. god I am such a loser. why cant I just love myself and my life for what it is fuck! I just want it to be enough.

 

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