Day 22- pieces

as tears stream down my face I feel the scars on my wrist and on my leg. I have been left in pieces by everything and everyone in my life. my bed made and my room clean i sit there crying… thinking.. what if..? what if i was happier? what is life was good? what if I could have it all? what i be happy then? I thought no. there is no way that i could feel any different no matter the circumstances. i laid back onto my bed and closed my eyes hoping.. wishing.. that it would end soon. I had options. I had a razor accessible, I had pills, I had windows that opened. I just laid there. Then my girlfriend called me. i stared at the phone for a while before ansering it. I didnt say anything wen i finaly picked it up. she told me that she needed me and that i couldnt give up. she said she wouldnt know what to do without me. she started crying. a lot. i almost never hear her cry as hard as she did that night. it was scary but i knew she meant every word she said. she told me that she couldnt handle me dieing and that I could die. i could hear the pain and fear in her voice. she told me to promise her that i wouldnt do anything (hurt myslef or kill myself). i told her i couldt do that. what if i broke that promise?she wouldnt be able to handle that and it wouldnt be fair to her. it would brake her even more. she said some other things that i cant repeat and then there was silence. she was sobbing at this point. we both just sat there on the phone for a couple mins crying and not saying anything. that was the moment when i realized i needed to get help. more than i was getting. It was then that I knew that my story wasnt over yet. my time on this earth isn’t up and If i was meant to be dead I would be by then. I told her i would try to stay. she had to hang up about 4 minutes later. I continued to cry until I fell asleep that night. The next day I told someone what was going on and that i needed to get help. more help. they said ok. i have been in rehab for about a week and i do feel a lot better. im not perfect yet but i that will take time. I know that now. I am working hard and everyday gets a little bit better. But still, I am left in pieces.  I have a lot more work ahead of me but im trying. and im going to keep trying. 

thank you all for all the support and comments on my last entry. i know that i dont know any of you but it still meant a lot so thank you. sometimes when you dont know someone at least for me i feels more real bc its not someone just daying something without meaning it or feeling guilty so they have to say it. idk. anyways thanks.

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