Today was my appointment with OVR, Occupational Vocational Rehabilitation. They’re going to fix my ADD/ADHD symptoms. Or rather, give me the tools to do it myself.
My employment trainer/onboarding specialist has reassured me that the most successful people in my industry have great people and communication skills, and are highly intelligent. By intelligent, I think he means they’re fast learners. He also said the one liability all the successful people have in common is attention to detail in reports and contracts.
So here’s what I’m thinking. Since I’m both a people person and fast learner, maybe my OVR behavioral task based training and the cool “tech” gizmos they’ll equip me with will rocket me into stardust… super power… employee of the ages… status. Maybe I’ll get that prized parking spot with the sign and the blinking lights. And when I pull up into the spot they’ll be a trip wire, the kind that tells the green light not to forget you if you’re in the left hand turn lane. And the trip wire will trigger my theme song, “Killer Queen” by Queen.
Better yet, they’ll see that I’ve worked so hard on executive functioning skills, I’ll get a secretary who will be one of those super duper organized grammar Nazis. I want one that doesn’t understand sarcasm because they’ll be a real black and white thinker. I’ll have to tell them I’m joking and, they’ll laugh a confused half hearted laugh. And they’ll get their revenge with a red pen. They’ll edit and correct everything but, not before showing me how many mistakes they had to correct before it was perfect. And I’ll love them for their commitment to perfection while I simultaneously drive them crazy with my inattention to detail and outside the planet thinking.
It is decided. I want a professional Felix to my Oscar. I want a yin to my yang. I want a “work wife” I have to send flowers to and a give bonus one week vacations to Dinsey or Vegas, just before they through their hands up in despair, because keeping track of me and all my imperfection is daunting. I want to have that one special moment, that I tell them how indispensable their micro managing, perfectionist controlling, black and white think ways are. And they’ll hold it over my head come employment review and pay raise time. And I’ll crack another sarcastic joke just before I give them a great raise.
So Here’s to OVR and behavioral modification training!