Lost

For the last year and five months, I have been dating this boy. I was 17 when we first starting talking on facebook and I made the bold decision to go meet him, seeing how he (coincidentally) lived a few streets away. He was 21. I am now 19, and he is 23. I hate myself for being with someone who I know isn’t good for me. He has no motivation. You see, i’m in my first year of college, just recently moved out of my parents house into an apartment, working two jobs, and blah blah blah. He hasn’t graduated high school, sits on the couch and plays video games, lived with his mommy (until i moved out and took him with me), is a felon (for a crime he says he didnt do), doesn’t have a job, and blah blah blah. Don’t get me wrong, he treats me good, most of the time. But im too busy moving forward, while he is standing still. We have had some major relationship issues recently, yet I can’t find myself to leave. I guess love is like that sometimes. It’s hard and that’s where i start to hate myself for it. He pays half of rent, wifi, and his phone bill. Claims he does and buys a lot. He bought a bed from his sister for $65. He bought a rug and mat for the bathroom, which I didn’t want anyway, and has spent $20 on groceries. Meanwhile, I pay rent, buy school books every six weeks, pay a car payment, pay car insurance, pay for gas, pay for groceries, pay for my pets, pay for my phones, and other things I probably can’t think of right now. He thinks I couldn’t do it without him, which I could, but it sucks when you have someone who doesn’t put in a lot of effort and says things are equal, when they’re clearly not. He does things to me for “revenge”, like i’m his opponent or enemy. I didn’t get out of the car when he was giving someone weed and the cops were there, so when we visited my grandparents, he sat in the car too. He hates that my family hates him, yet he gives himself a bad image. He posts statuses and shares things on facebook about sucking dick, like it’s  cute. I don’t want my family seeing that. It’s  embarrassing. He made me go to my great grandmas funeral alone because he had promised a friend that he would help him move out of his house weeks before. I’m diabetic and he made me face DKA and a near death experience because he had work (which mind you isn’t all day, so he could have still visited). He touches me inappropriately in my sleep, thinking that I like it. I told him it makes me feel violated, and he holds it against me. I push him off me when he hangs around me too much because I don’t like clingy. Or when im cooking. Its unsafe. He’ll want to have sex in the shower and i’ll say no, and he’ll unlock the door with a credit card. He loves sex. Mind you this is the guy who really took my virginity. He’ll make me feel guilty if I say no and gets mad, making me give in just so he won’t be. He’ll call me a hoe when we see my ex in public. He thinks it’s a big deal that my ex fingered me. It’s apparently worse than taking your virginity. So, now that we live together, we fight a lot. He’s slapped me in the face with smoking in my apartment (he isn’t on the lease), and smiles and laugh like its funny.. saying “why would I respect you when you don’t even respect me”. Yall. Nobody knows how much I have bent over backwards for him. He didn’t graduate high school and I sat and did his online classes for him while I was in school myself just so he could get his diploma. I gave him the opportunity to move out and risk every day losing my apartment because he isn’t on the lease. I let him drive my car because he cant afford insurance, yet somehow he can buy a $300 gaming console while having no job. He says I dont help him because I don’t drive him places, when he has his own car. I can go on forever, really. I’m not saying that i’m perfect, but I have done everything for this man and at the end of the day, i’m still hurting and he’s pointing his finger at me on why we aren’t working out.. “it’s because of your mouth”.. sigh. Help. Give me advice and strength. I know what I need to do, but love isn’t that simple.

2 thoughts on “Lost”

  1. The hardest part is learning that there are some people that you just can’t help. I’m in the process of going through this myself. It takes time and it takes a breaking point. Eventually, I got tired and that was my breaking point. You can only put so much effort into things before it takes a tole on you. A relationship requires the work of two people, not just one. It sounds like he has a bit of growing up/finding himself that he needs to do for himself. Sometimes space away from someone does that. It allows someone to think and grow, but be careful because something like that won’t take just a week. My advice, is that you find a way to separate from him for a little bit. It will allow you to clear your head and really let you think. It’s amazing how lost you feel at first after you’ve constantly worried about someone for so long. You finally get to focus on you. I have learned that I’m slowly finding myself in this process.

    It takes a lot of will power. I also believe that one day I will find someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated, you should feel that way too. There is someone out there that will want to split half of the rent and the bills with you and there is a person that won’t do inappropriate things that you don’t want. Just remember that there are a lot of people out there. Stay strong. <3

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