I am missing school today because of the flu. I think I feel worse this morning than I did yesterday. I was coughing in the night last night- that hasn’t been a problem before. I already have so much crap in my lungs from the asthma issue, I would think pneumonia would be an easy next step. I am trying to breathe deeply to help prevent that from happening. I know my lungs are a mess, though.
Noah is coming here on Saturday. I cannot wait to see him. I am currently wishing I had never moved here. I am feeling like it was a mistake. The job has been awful. I still have no friends. And I miss my son. and my dog. I have nothing in Kentucky but Noah and John. I just can’t go back there and go back to that same old mess. My depression is still bad here. I am still thinking about killing myself at times. I still cannot see any way for my life to be happy again. I am bad at making friends. I am bad at going on dates. I am bad at meeting people.
I think Bethany is mad at me too. She texted me some shit about cancer on Saturday morning and I texted her back and asked her if she was talking about Nanny and she didn’t answer me. I guess she’s mad. I talked to Noah last night on Skype and he told me she was in Lexington, so I don’t know. My sister or brother have not told me anything. My sister has not spoken to me at all in months. She didn’t even respond when I texted her my new phone number. She texted me “happy birthday” on my birthday and that’s been it. I did my brother’s taxes for him so I talked to him via text a bit more, but nothing other than answering questions about the taxes. We are all so fucked up. I remember when my dad died, I tried to hug my sister and she shoved me away from her. I haven’t tried that again. It’s shit like that that makes me think I’m never going to be normal enough to have a happy life. That makes me want to just give up. My horrible childhood has manifested into a dysfunctional adult, and I don’t see how it can be fixed at this point. I cannot even let myself think about my marriage- about how bad I fucked that up with my OCD bullshit lunacy. Brent was not perfect, but he was basically a good man and I destroyed him. I hate myself so much. He won’t have anything to do with me now, and making it up to him is the only way I know I could maybe not hate myself so much. But he won’t let me.
This all brings me back to the frequent conversation I have with myself about the fact that I’ve now gotten my life so far off in the ditch, I will never be able to get it back up on the road again. It’s just too far gone to salvage.
Moving to New York and starting over was my last ditch effort to keep living. I’m not getting better here. All I’ve done in the last year and a half is hurt Noah because he had to live with me like this. Another reason to hate myself.
Later, that same day…
I saw my new therapist for the 2nd time today. She told me to think about what it was that got me through my childhood. Where I got that tenacity. To use that to help me get through the shitty time I’m having now. I can’t think of any way to deal with this self-hatred without Brent taking me back. I can’t think of any way to get over the past and be able to stop thinking about the past other than having him back in my life. If I could make it up to him I could let it go. I just don’t know how to let it go when making it up to him is not an option. How do I do that? How do I stop replaying scenes from our life together back in my head? How to normal people remember negative events without thinking, “I hate myself so much!”I hate myself and I don’t know how not to hate myself. I cannot think of a thing to do in addition to what I’ve already tried.