Beginnings and … endings

Been meaning to get into this whole online journal thing again. I need an outlet of some sort. A place to put thoughts, ideas etc.

I feel like its the year of 33, in that things will finally change for the better. I would like to think that my dues have been paid. I hope. Been reflecting a lot on the past.. high school, childhood, religion all of it. If I had mades a few different choices maybe things would be different. Or would they?

I know that it doesn’t do much good, living in the past. I really do believe that we spend our adulthood trying to outrun or recover from our childhoods.

I am irritated because… mom constantly makes me do things I do not want to do. See and visit family, its just plain uncomfortable for me. I really do need to get into gear and get back to work. Make something happen in my life, so that I can move on and find purpose. Being here with my parents is great but, at the same time it hinders me. Keeps me from progressing, because as long as I am under their roof I am still a child to them. j

I have let fear and anger rule my life for too long. Enough is enough. I have to let go of the things that no longer serve me in my life. All the people that have wronged me and abused me. I feel like because of them I have lost so much. Put things on hold due to fear. Not done things because it is not what God would have wanted me to do. I have been asking myself lately, has doing that been worth it?

This week we are going to SA to visit G and B and ugh i don’t want to go. I don’t care if i see them or not because its the same bull shit over and over again. This time it will be all about their big brand new 400,000 dollar home. I can hear it now. My life is awesome and your is not. … in so many words and innuendos. I have never disliked someone so much in my life. I guess thats what irritates me is that these people who are total ass holes have everything and people like me who have gotten the fucking shit kicked out of them by life over and over again struggle day in and day out… and we are supposed to have faith that things will be ok?????? how does that work? At times i feel like I really pissed God off in my last life, maybe I had it too good? Well I have certainly paid my dues in this one haven’t I? Lately I cannot help but just put God aside and live, because I feel the closer I get the worse things get. But is life really this hard? really? Maybe in my next life I will be beautiful, successful and have a family that really cares.
A mother that defends me and doesnt look at me with pity
A father that loves and treats me like I matter and my opinion matters
brothers that care
friends that care
a man beside me that cares and will make me feel safe and secure.
I would like to think that all i have gone through matters to God and that someday it will be worth it. I will have something to show for…
or .. maybe Keanu was right and God is just a kid with an ant farm that watches.
During these 40 days I have made it a point to try and figure out who God is.. in every aspect of the word.

I guess i just feel alone. Richard is gone, Sylvia is gone, LJ is gone and the guys that I thought would love me are gone. Who else is left?

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