I need to be a deer in headlights…

K is coming home tonight and is picking up Kai from daycare.  I’m feeling stressed that he’s going to be home again.  He is sending messages through his parents instead of just talking to me.  As I am writing this, he did call me back, assumed it was his week to be with Kai, which I informed, it wasn’t.  I am having a difficult time wanting to share my time with Kai, after K decided to leave for six weeks and then expects me to feel bad for him and give up my time with Kai.  I hate this life sometimes.  It kills me to be away from Kai.  I miss that little guy so much.  How do other people cope with being away from their kids?

I chose this life.  I wish things could have been different.  I wish that my heart wasn’t broken and it wasn’t so hard to get along with K.  I’m sad, and when I’m not with Kai, its the worst.  Everyone is like, enjoy your time alone, do the things you want to do…but the thing I really want to do is spend time with Kai. 

It’s just one night, then we’ll be back together having fun for the weekend.  It is going to so weird to be around K when he gets home.  As I told him we need to be our own separate people now, and that I can’t support him in the little ways that I have been, it is definitely going to be weird.  I hope he can find it in his heart to be respectful of me and respectful of the arrangement instead of being surprised that the switch off time is at 5pm on Monday.  He likes to keep things loosey goosey when it comes to people’s time.  He does not have respect for other people’s commitments.  I’m tired of being disrespected.  I am not your girlfriend anymore, so you need to learn how to deal with your emotions, particularly your anger towards me on your own time.  It is not fair for  you to speak to me the way you do.  I am a person, and I’m not yours anymore to shit on.  

I wish I could just let things slide.  I wish I could not be bothered by the things K does.  I need to practice letting things slide.  I gotta be a deer in headlights.  Not react, just stand there, just stay silent.  Why is that so difficult for me? Our connection is too close. We do not hold anything back.  I need to be kind and stand up for myself.  I need to remain calm, be kind and stand up for myself.  I don’t need to feel guilty for wanting to spend as much time as possible with my son.  It doesn’t matter that I also have to work.  I can’t help it that you don’t have a proper job….why does that entitle you to encroach on my time with Kai? It doesn’t, show some respect for me.

Ug, I hate this.

As I am wrapping this entry up, K texts and asks about the weather and tells me he doesn’t want to come back (impending snow and all around blizzardy here today).  I respond with, I don’t know what you want me to say to that but in my head I’m screaming, THEN DON’T!! and don’t tell your son that either…

No weather or holiday has ever made me want to be away from Kai, I just don’t understand him.  He is not even excited to come home. I wish he would get his shit together and grow the fuck up.

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