Purpose?

What the point? I wasted another day lying around my stupid bedroom, in my bed. while my two year old occupies herself with the ipad and my husband sleeps all day coming home from an overnight shift? why did I ever think moving across country to a shithole mining town would ever be fun or easy?
iam so coming back as a man in my next life. nowhere along the way did anything big impact my husbands life and iam super bitter about it. with every kid I get sucked into holding back any dreams or goals I had for myself but husband can go and do what he wants when he wants. his life id not change he does not need to worry about baby sitters or daycares appointments or life. he has me. i know i have myself to blame i dropped out of college i got married i had the k
ids, i just wish it wasn’t so one sided.
he has a purpose. whats mine? iam defined by my children and my marriage. who am i? will i ever find me again? i am not meant to adult and i honestly wish i would’ve ended it when i was going to instead of being talked into staying. stay for what? another day of mundane? another day of self pity? another day of convincing myself this is just another obstacle not the end game?
why didn’t i listen to ppl when they said don’t rush, don’t settle? why do i always insist on learning the hard way or not at all? so many question never any answers. no matter how much i read, research, listen i never get any answers. i know you can achieve different results with the same actions but i am trying to do different i just always fail. i see so many ppl i know evolving and changing for the better. me i stay. i always stay. by the time iam free enough to do something with myself i will be in my 40’s, whats the point? i hate everything, myself, my marriage, my life. all of it! i want a redo!

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