I’m home again today. The doctor gave me 2 days, so why not take them? I have pretty much decided that I am going to work 3 more days at my current school and then quit. Noah is coming to visit me on Saturday, and I could spend a couple of days with him while he’s here. I am still trying to get my stuff together for the certification office at NYC DOE. I have everything she wanted me to bring except for the Union transcripts. She told me to get the state to change my application from professional to initial but I haven’t been able to get a response from them. I have emailed 4 times with no response. I guess I could always just apply again and pay another 100 bucks. It’s all pretty frustrating.
My therapist told me last night to think about what made me keep going when I lived in such shitty circumstances before. I don’t really know/remember. I guess when I was a kid I knew that one day I would be able to get the fuck out of that loony bin. I don’t know. I did think about killing myself sometimes as a kid. The youngest I can remember is about 16. I actually cut one wrist when I was 18 and watched it bleed. I was mostly just toying with the idea with no real intent to finish the job. Now, here I am. 47. I’m no longer taking care of either of my kids, all the animals are being cared for except for Sophie by someone other than me. I have no house, no car, and really, not a lot of stuff that others would have to deal with after I’m dead. I like that I won’t be making a lot of work for people.
Later, that same day…
I got to Face Time with Bethany. I think that’s the first time I have since I’ve been here. I need to start trying to call more. Every time I try, she never answers, but today at least she called me back after not answering my call. I tried Noah twice and he didn’t answer either time. I will try him again tomorrow.
I am dreading going back to my shitty work tomorrow. I am planning on 3 days. Just 3 more days and I’m done.