Since I have made the decision to be 100% on my own, I have been having so many crazy dreams about K. I just feel unhappy with everything. I feel like shit when I wake up every morning. I work work work work work till the weekend, and hope that I’m going to feel better after I have a break, but I don’t. Is it because I’m never alone? I dunno. It’s hard to stay motivated at work too. L quit, M isn’t back yet, so it’s just me fixing PW’s mistakes and staying motivated to get all the other crap done that needs to get done. I have to do something to stay motivated here. What the hell is my problem?
My trip to New York was fun but I didn’t have a blast like I expected too. H really got on my nerves, and I wonder why, is it because our personalities are too much alike? Do we both want to be in charge? Is it a power struggle between the two of us? I’m complete shit at navigating so she was very helpful with that. I was homesick and missed Kai terribly the last two days. I had these grand expectations of how much fun the trip was going to be but I was tired a lot of the time and it was hard to have fun I guess. I just feel horrible about myself. I can’t relax or feel rested or happy. I cry everyday at work, at my desk. L must think I’m crazy, probably why he quit hahahahaha. What the fuck is wrong with me?!
Anyway, back to the dream. The most vivid, as I wrote about before, was the punching dream where I couldn’t hit K hard enough. Last night I dreamt that I was pregnant with K’s child, which is almost impossible because we don’t have sex, and we won’t ever again now that he has traveled on his “own” and probably has the zika virus or worse. These dreams are so vivid, are they pragmatic prophesies? Are they telling me what to do? Are they communications from the unconscious mind? All I know is, they are extremely vivid in that I have some sort of emotional response from them after I wake up. When I was not even 12 weeks pregnant yet, I dreamt that I had a miscarriage, then I woke up to find myself bleeding. I didn’t actually miscarry, it was Kai in my belly, but so weird to have that experience happen to me.
I started writing this yesterday and here I am again this morning. I saw K for a few minutes yesterday, set up a new family sharing calendar for us and he asked why I don’t want to share my itunes account with him anymore. Obviously he didn’t read anything I sent him while he was gone, because I made myself perfectly clear that I wanted to move forward being completely separate people. I changed the Netflix password but then I realized he just tried a different password that I often use and got back in…so now I’ve changed it a second time.
Yesterday was very stressful as I am having abnormal bleeding on and off for two months or so. Now it is at the point where it is happening every day, so I have been sent for tests to figure out what is going on. It’s weird, and I feel worried, but hopefully there is a simple and not serious explanation. I also bawled my eyes out at the doctor’s office and she asked me some serious questions. I feel better today, but man I was a wreck yesterday. She thinks I need to go on something, but I don’t wanna. Can’t I weather this storm on my own and come out on the other side to see the light? We have to kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight, and that’s what I intend to do.