Crush and Being Invisible

I havent been writing in a while, because life has been really great. Im getting good grades and stress-anxiety levels are going down since the teachers really are helping in a way now. I cut my hair back to super short, and im enjoying it alot. Feel alot more confident with my short hair, its also purple now. 

Ok so there is this guy I really like. He is alot taller than me, got a great sense of style, he is really handsome, would deffinetly fit great together with the popular kids. BUT he is also a loner, he mostly stands to himself and you dont usually see him together with others. Because of this I got really curious about who he is, and I’ve just ended up having a crush. Yesterday, I was standing leaning on the wall behind me alone. I wasnt sad or anything, my friends were not far away, playing around doing their think. I was just chilling basiclly. In front of me there were acouple giant groups of students. And among them he was (crush). It was weird to see him there together with others. Usually in the breaks he walks alone and dissapears into some place for himself that I have no idea where is (he just dissapears). But yesterday, he was actually trying to be social. He was trying to talk to both of the groups there, but noone seemed to show any interesst in him at all. Felt alittle bad for him since that looked like it was alot of awkward atmosphere for him. After trying, he seemed to have given up on trying to hang with them. After giving up on them, I suddenly see him walking towards me. I look around to see if anyone else is leaning on the wall close to me. But no, he is headed straight towards me. I get a really happy feeling inside of me, my hopes go up. It does make sence, he didnt succeed trying to be with the groups, so it does make sense that he would try to be with the only other loner hanging around here (loners together, thats awesome, kind of, rip, haha). I’m just like watching him walk towards me, and when he is about 1 meter away from me. Like he is literally standing right in front of me, he just stops. He turns around and ends up standing by himself for the next 5 minutes (then time for class). Like seriously, he stopped! So close, so so close. 

Then today, I decided I would try talking to him first. Time for me to take actions in my own hands, since noone else seems to be caring of that. I even ditched my friends in the music room to go outside by myself and look for him. My friends were inside (they are the only ones allowed to stay inside since they are doing music stuff). So I was on my own in that horrifying place filled with giant teenagers. I walked around looking. When I found him I died of dissapointment. I really hoped he would stay to himself today, or something. But no, the snow came this morning. And he is standing up at the footballfield throwing snowballs together with a bunch of other guys. Why does this guy have to start becoming social when I’m ready to talk to him? Like dude, come back down and let me start shit. 

Another thing that really bothers me though, is the fact that im seriously invisible. Like im not even joking, its not just something i feel, its serious. Or atleast would have thought so. I know very well im short, so all of you other students just look over my head. But comeon, you can still see me right? I’m very tired of crashing into people every single day. Like, you see me coming from all the way down the hall, there is only one way for me to go. Its only natural to just make atleast a small space. But no, these people just let me walk straight into them and they dont notice until like 10seconds after: “Oh, you were there” i keep hearing, and like comeon! Im also pretty tired of “Didnt see you there”. Yeah, i know im very silent and im short. I’m okay with people not caring, because I’m not really trying to get my voice heard. But im still excisting and I’m a student here and I’m a real living form. I’m standing here, Ill give you space if you give me space. People, stop crashing into me 24/7. Not my fault im short, this is rude! Someone give me a few more inches to my height. Also my teachers keep forgetting im a student, they keep screaming my name asking were i am even though im right in front of them. Also they have this thing were they forget adding me to activities. Again, im a student aswell. I wonder if my crush knows if i excist?

 

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