i’m cold

i feel a little desperate. i want to pull his face against mine and i kind of feel like i’m going to cry. i want to burrow under his clothes and just breathe.

i’m working on decluttering yet i’m almost frantic to buy new things to feel better.

i don’t know what brought this on. 5 minutes ago i was laughing at dumb pictures.

maybe i should just get back in bed. sleep has been shit. up for 30+ hours at a time, sleeping not enough unless i take a sleeping pill to stay asleep.

everything feels like nails clawing my bare nerves.

someone test firing their handgun at  night makes me a little paranoid.

my newest thing to latch onto for mental health is succulents. i bought a bunch of cuttings and am not a patient person. there are still no roots and i feel like they’re gonna just die.

sometimes i want to just sit and stare at them but my dog demands attention i don’t have it in me to want to give. i give it. but i just want to be left alone.

i worry over them. why haven’t they rooted yet? is the dirt too wet? why is it taking so long to dry out? here let me make a giant list of gardening crap to buy just for a few pots of tiny plants.

but the burro’s tail is sprouting pups since i bought an adjustable lamp with a florescent bulb for them. the perle von nurnberg is almost fully rosy pink. i learned the name of those two. some varieties are hard as shit to tell apart even when they’re all under the same type umbrella. i’m learning the same way i learned about vaping and mods. lots of reading and lots of pictures. lots of pictures.

i don’t feel as panicked now. i just feel tired. i missed puking out my thoughts.

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