I feel tired. I went with some colleagues last night- business stuff. Consecutive days, I’ve been out longer than I wanted. I try to get myself busy, distracted, occupied. It doesn’t help that much. Every time I’m starting to have fun, I imagine myself with him. It would’ve been much more fun with him, here, by my side.
My family will be on a trip next month. We’ve been talking about this since last year, when we were still together. He was welcomed to come. It’ll be our first out of the country together. He was excited, like I was. But, all of it is gone now. I’m just treating it all now as a break from all this drama.
I got 2 phone calls yesterday. Two different companies want me in for an interview. Both was out of town. I told them I can’t this week- plans and prior commitment. After the calls, I thought to myself, was it really because I had plans? Or was it because I’m scared?
I also got a message yesterday. My college friend saw some tagged photos of mine. She said I look like a haggard girl- a very tired one. Must’ve been the hair, my tanned skin, or my blank eyes. She said I should change how I look. It got me thinking.
I’ve been sick now and then- fever on and off, cough and colds every now and then, vertigo attacks. Maybe, those are the reason I look sickly. Or maybe, I’m just… sad and it shows. I try to mask it, it’s just that, it shows.
I guess, I’m still drowning. My gasp for air, my little grasp of insincere happiness … my life depends on it now.
There’s got to be someone who could help me- take these all away, turn my little insincere happiness to one great ball of genuine happiness.