Thursday March 9th

I’m really confused today. I had a pretty good day at school yesterday, so now I’m starting to waffle on my decision to leave here. I know I missed two days this week, but I do feel like I’m settling into a routine of sorts. I guess I’m actually thinking about finishing the year where I am. If I do that, my money situation would be a lot, lot better, that’s for sure. I just don’t know how to get out of the Queens job. Of course, I haven’t had my afternoon classes yet. I may not be so ready to stay here after that 90 minutes. But that’s the thing: it’s only 4 45 minute classes all day. And I can leave at 4 every day because I have so much time to work/plan during the school day. I will be teaching 5 classes at the school in Queens, with the possibility of much better behavior, the option of leaving at 2:20 most days, I think, and other teachers I could plan with- however, I do kind of like having autonomy- that’s for sure. I like not having to consult with someone else about what or how I’m teaching. Having to listen to other people’s opinions was one of the negatives of working at Dunbar. I don’t give a shit what other people think. I’m not sure how or why my pendulum has swung in favor of staying where I am. It’s the kids, I guess. I don’t want to leave them. Maybe I should try to talk to the math teacher. She is a fully certified teacher that could go work for the DOE. I would like to know her reasons for staying here. I’m getting confused now about what to do. I really wish I had someone to talk to about all of this that could give me some advice. 

Later, that same day…

Okay, so I don’t know what to do about the job… the kids are getting to me- I mean in a good way- I’m getting attached to them and feel bad about leaving them. I cannot believe I have changed my mind so drastically from just a few days ago when I was planning on tomorrow being my last day there. I went up to 136th street to the library after school today to get a IDNYC and I saw two of my students. One of them yelled my name and waved. That makes me feel terrible for thinking about leaving them. I am worried a lot about the retirement. That is the number one reason I want to go to DOE. I don’t think I would be fired at my school, but shit, I’d hate to put years in and then them just say peace out. 

I never know what to fucking do. Ugh.


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