Breath of Relief and Fear

Wednesday 8th March,2017

It’s been two days since I talked to her about what I was going to say the last time. I remember it clear. I was about to leave my notes at home and put in in my folder between some past papers. C***** surprisingly came on that day and A**** was there too. We had a very shallow small talk and I went outside on the green bench with my Business syllabus and note book. I kept talking to myself.

“Oh, I need to vent to somebody.”

“Is she coming?”

About fifteen minutes before the bell rings she walks closer and my heart begins to race as I say, “Can I talk to you? You’re not busy right.”

And I could see all the innocence in her eyes and that eyebrowless smile in that Twenty One Pilots hoodie. I gasped and kept fiddling with my notes and began randomly about how I thought I should not hang with the “posy” anymore. And I could see that she was trying to help but me and my nervous self stuttered when C***** came back.

She was like, “Hey, your skin is glowing.”

And I was like, “CRAP CRAP CRAP!” in my mind at least.

It was so awkward. I felt to tell her everything on the spot but I just wouldn’t budge. 

“RING RING!”

That’s the bell.

Time to go to assembly. Just made a horrible first impression.

At this point I do not know what I am and feel more like a piece f furniture than a living human being.

She’s so beautiful and doesn’t even know it. I just feel to give her the biggest most warmest hug in the world minus the fact that I act like a robot on uncalled for situations. How foolish was I really to say that I was judging people when I actually am them?- psychological projection.

How does one fluent operate as an ordinary human being with a strut in each step?

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