What can I say? I’m young and naive.

Hey guys, so it’s been a while since I checked in, at least for me anyway. Update on Heart B, I’ve slept with him again, he gets better every time I see him, and I’m seeing him tomorrow. He is still totally different to HeartA, but maybe that’s a good thing? We were watching a film together, and the guy asked the girl to be his girlfriend, and I was thinking I feel like Heart B’s going to ask me soon, and I thought what am I going to say in response if so. I realised that while I don’t want to see anyone else and I really like him, I also don’t want to introduce him to my parents. And that’s not because I’m ashamed but because I know this isn’t going to go anywhere long term, so what does that make us? So today I saw Heart C. So who is Heart C? Heart C I met on a residential trip that we were teaching at. Also where I met Heart A. Now with Heart A we suddenly clicked because we both made an effort to go to Heart C’s birthday and Heart C hadn’t really talked to either of us properly. Heart C was a weird one. He was the first guy that I had ever looked at/ fancied whilst with my ex and at the time I really really fancied Heart C. He was a reminder that a guy could treat me well. After going back home after the residential we talked a lot, every day, but when I made an effort to travel really far to his birthday, I found out he had told someone about everything I had said, and  not in a nice way. According to this person, everything I had felt was one-sided. This was also how me and Heart A bonded. Now the person who told me about Heart C made me promise I wouldn’t repeat what she had said, and I hadn’t until the other night, in which I said I thought I could trust you with the stuff I told you in the summer, and he said you could. I in response said I obviously couldn’t, and he said I don’t know what you’re on about. So today, in my post gym gear, shit hair, shit makeup state saw him. And when I saw him all the thoughts I had came back. I have since messaged him saying do you want to meet for a drink? And if you don’t, please don’t reply? He currently hasn’t seen it, and thus this is what I’m waiting for. I really like Heart B, but not as much as Heart A and Heart C is just another story. He was the first guy that truly turned my head with my ex, but can I trust him? At first, when his friend told me about what he said, I thought he was just boasting. But now, just a little part of me is thinking maybe he told her in confidence because he was confused and she completely betrayed him, how is life so confusing? He still hasn’t seen it and my heart feel’s like it is beating 100mph. I’m so glad I have you journal, because I really needed to spill this to someone. 

5 thoughts on “What can I say? I’m young and naive.”

  1. So update. Firstly, Heart C replied. He’s so so so confusing. He clearly isn’t that fussed about making an effort to see me, whilst also maintaining that I’m the one who’s been a dick. He said from his POV, he really liked me and was crushed when he heard about me and Heart A. Apparently before his birthday he had heard we were together which is why he avoided us both completely. I in part believe him because it makes complete sense why he acted so weird, but then also me and Heart A hadn’t talked one bit before his birthday so who would say that. Also when I asked him who told him that he said he couldn’t remember. It’s so weird, I feel for him just like I did when I first met him, but he makes no effort at all so why am I? Also there’s Heart B. Really, please can someone tell me what’s wrong with me? How can I like so many people at one time? I say that, but I think I know deep down this is all just a distraction for my love for Heart A. My god, how much I love him and miss him every moment of every day. It’s weird, I can go all day without crying now, but it doesn’t mean I miss him any less. Please, can someone tell me that this goes, or at least you find someone who you like more? Because the thought of me not loving anyone else as intensely scares me to death, like is my biggest fear in the universe. Also second point, I saw a counsellor this week, not just because of the break up but because of other personal stuff, and I lied. He asked what it was like being single for the first time really in 7 years, and instead of telling him about Heart C I was too ashamed, and acted like he didn’t exist. Really, who lies to their counsellor, the one person who has to keep your information confidential. If I’m honest, feeling totally and completely lost. Also, very very very alone.

  2. You’re not alone, dear, God has a plan for your life. A good plan. “For I know the plans I have for you; plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11 I think. I am so sleepy. But I read all your journal entry and I can surely see why you feel confused and upset. If you focus your heart on Jesus, other things will fall into place. I know that sounds too simple, but just try. Love to you…..Grace.

  3. I’m not sure if it ever gets any better. Some days I fully think so and others I think there’s no chance. I too wonder if I’ll ever find someone to love as strongly as I did my ex. And somehow I wonder what’s wrong that I can’t find someone as easily as that again – he literally just appeared one day and that was it. But now it’s like there are guys here and there who spoke a vague interest, but nothing that makes me wanna… know them and be near them as much as my ex. Someone recently asked me if I would settle for a guy – told me I absolutely 100% deserved better than that and I said honestly I’m not sure. Because I’m not. I want to believe there’s another one I’ll love with every ounce of me, that will treat me well and be everything I need. But who knows really if that’s true.

    Best of luck with all the Hearts. I hope you find your truth one day and it all adds up to something good for you.

  4. I have hope for us both. There’s how many billion people on this earth, am I really supposed to believe that ‘Heart A’, is the only one for me? I do think though that because we’ve both been hurt, we’re automatically going to close ourselves off for the possibility of a great love, even if we intend to or not. I think we both need to heal, and then we must let ourselves be open to the possibility of that great feeling again. We definitely shouldn’t settle.

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