I will smile through the emptiness

I never thought I would be the wife who falls out of love with her husband. I’m not in love with him anymore. This is not easy to confess on a paperless journal read by strangers. I can barely breathe these words to myself, alone. I feel like I should be punished. Stoned for having such a thought. How dare I be honest about my feelings. It’s nothing against him. He is actually a very caring person. He is a wonderful father to our daughter. He works hard for us to live a comfortable life. He often goes out of his way to please me. And I think about these things hoping it will create the long lost spark I used to feel but I continue to feel nothing. I look at him hoping to feel something. I accept that I’m this horrible, ungrateful woman. Please don’t remind me how terrible I am. I feel it every day. Especially when I’m constantly fantising about other men. I’ve never physically cheated on him but I’ve had many emotional affairs. 

In my head I believe I would never cheat with another man. At this point I’m sure because I’m not a beautiful woman. I’ve gained a lot of weight since I’ve had my daughter but I also know the weight had come on because of my quiet depressive state. Feeling unwanted. Just going through the motions. I  have felt this way for a long time. I’m recently getting back to becoming active again. I’m working out everyday and trying to make healthier decisions. I’ve got a long way to go though. And I’m not doing this in hopes that I’ll look good for another man. I’m honestly doing this to focus on something instead of this and I want to feel better. I’m not getting fulfilled in my marriage so I’m putting energy into getting healthy. It’s somewhat a positive reaction but it’s not solving the real problem, I know. I’m gearing my mind to be all I can for my daughter. I don’t want to become disconnected emotionally from her. She is the reason I do all I do. My love for my daughter is stronger than my husband. I don’t want to be the parent that steals my child’s innocent happiness because I’m unhappy. I’ll smile through the emptiness because her happiness means more to me than mine. I want to leave my husband but I know I never will. I will continue to fade inside but as long as the outside looks normal for my daughter that’s what I’ll live for. She doesn’t deserve to be unhappy because of her mother. 

I hope that with this journal it will help me from losing myself completely. Keep the life support on. Keep me from going brain dead. 

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