Regret

I regret it. I regret trusting you. I regret putting myself in that position. I regret not reporting it. I regret letting you get away with it. The pain you caused, both physically and mentally. I was scared as I waited at the gynecologist. They took me back, they had me pee in a cup, they took my blood, and examined me. Inside me had tearing from you forcing yourself inside of me. You had given me gonorrhea, luckily it wasn’t worse. I remember crying as I waiting for the results of the pregnancy test, terrified that I may be pregnant with your child. I remember the relief when I was told it was negative. The burning when I would pee, the physical pain, the nightmares that followed, and the realization that you had stolen my virginity from me. I didn’t have the ability to give it to somebody, I no longer had that choice. I didn’t tell anybody who you are. I was too scared. I was 16 and you were 27, not to mention, you are also my brother’s friend. How could you do something so horrible to the little sister of somebody that you call your best friend? You would try to call me and when I didn’t answer, you texted me saying, “we should do that again ;)”. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to die. I still have those nightmares and those fears remain, but I’m stronger than I was and I will make sure I help other girls to do what I didn’t. I didn’t report it and I’ll always regret that. You may not have been put in jail, but you still have to live with what you did. You have to remember me crying and begging you to stop. I feel bad for you, how pathetic you must be in order to do that to somebody else. Somebody who was vulnerable and thought she could trust you. I wouldn’t wish harm on you, because I’m better than that. I’m better than you. What you did to me does not define me, which I finally realize. It is not and never was my fault. Although I realize those things now, I still carry the pain and I still have nightmares. And I hope that you regret your actions, cuz I certainly regret mine. I regret not calling the cops and reporting what you did. And now, if you do the same to somebody else, that is on me and the idea of that terrifies me to this day.

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