i’m in a lot of pain right now. i just watched an infomercial for piyo and 1 of the women said it cured her pain and made her hot. paraphrasing. and it’s times like this that i cling to the magic pill, THIS will fix me! i’ve done it over and over for years. goddamn when did barq’s root beer get gross. for years i’ve wanted to work out with weights, have a fitness model’s body. i found out the hard way that working out with weights amplifies my pain. i tested that theory repeatedly.
piyo probably wouldn’t help anyway. i should focus my energies on coming up with a hospital meds room heist. like oceans 45.
some of the succ cuttings finally grew roots overnight. like thank god cause you look dead. well actually the one that looks dead still doesn’t have roots. but, you know, the worry is there.
i’m wondering how i can safely vacuum dog hair off a panda plant. i brushed 10 pounds of dog hair off my dog tonight after brushing 10 pounds of hair off him a few days ago. everything is hair. my world is hair. my universe. shed hair.
my jaw aches from stress clenching again and now i’m wondering what it’s like to be drunk relaxed every day. i don’t drink much. not that i’m against it, i just never get around to it.
i can’t work and i live in a rural area so my days are pretty empty most of the time. i feel ashamed that i can’t work. i’ve felt this way a long time. like i’m taking resources away from someone who really needs it cause i can’t buck up and do something. the extensive scarring, crushed bones, metal and hellacious pain all the time stll haven’t convinced me otherwise. i feel like a leech. like what have i done to deserve being taken care of. who the hell am i to deserve anything. my dad hated me growing up, i’ve been cheated on in every relationship, my ex wanted to kill me and despite having a guy that loves me now and my family that loves me i can’t get it through my head that i deserve anything. i can analyze myself for days, i know how and why i feel the way i do but that doesn’t change the fact that i can’t fix myself. i know all the tools i know all the tips and i know they’re all bullshit. ‘my daddy didn’t love me’, ‘no one liked me’, ‘people were mean to me’ and i can’t get over shit that finally got better almost a decade ago.
because times goes by fast.
it doesn’t feel that long ago.
i still feel like that kid trying to disappear so she won’t get the words or see the looks, pretend everything was okay at school despite being an easy target because she was fat and quiet and smelled weird because she was hanging on by her nails and didn’t know how to take care of her clothes.
my whole life everything i’ve done was wrong, especially when i was trying to do it right. it’s no surprise to me that i can’t help myself. my formative years were spent showing me every day how unwanted i was. i know it’s in the past. i know it’s all in my head. i know it’s in me to love myself. i just don’t.
i’ve been in a long distance relationship for 8 or 9 years. it doesn’t feel that long, and it doesn’t really hit me til i think ‘jesus christ it’s been that long’. he comes to see me but i don’t go to see him because i’m fat and i’m scared of what his family would say to him. i’m not even his type, physically. i don’t even hold my fat in a feminine form. and though i know he would never say it, because he’s sweet as shit, he had to force himself to lay with me the first time he saw me. love for the mind came first, love for the body came after.
and at times like this the distance is easier because i can settle comfortably in my spiral of self pity and self hate.
i think i’m gonna get some soup.