Sunday March 12th

I managed to fetch Noah from the airport last night with no issues. I am stressing out right now because I lost my school ID. Just when I’m trying to be a better employee at my job, I fuck up. It’s because they make me swipe in and swipe out with that damn thing. It’s the swiping out that’s the problem. I don’t know what I did with the card after swiping out on Friday. I remember I stopped and swipped out in the downstairs office as I was leaving because I forgot to do it upstairs. I just don’t know where I put it after that. I have looked in my school bag and I have looked in my jeans pockets and coat pockets. I am so mad at myself for losing it. I can’t think about anything else. 

Last night Brent texted me to ask if I was going to the airport to get Noah. We texted back and forth for a while, and then of course he hurt my feelings. I asked for it. I asked him if he was going to come visit me. He answered probably not. He doesn’t like New York. I responded that when you visit someone it’s not about the place. He didn’t answer. I responded that I will never understand his behavior toward  me until the day I die, but I hope that at some point before then it stops hurting so much. Of course, he didn’t respond to that, either.  He has the ability to deliver that crushing hurt to me that no one else can. I am sick right now. I am sick over that and sick over losing my ID. I hate myself so much. I wanted to cry so much last night after texting with him. I don’t understand how he can be that way toward me. I am the mother of his only child and he has no regard for me. 

I’m upset, I’m beat down, I don’t know what do to about my job. 

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