An Open Letter to The One Who Got Away

Third times the charm was true. After two relationships in which cheating and lust were the focus, I found clarity with you. In the few months we were together, I felt more in love than I did in relationship that lasted years. We were so young and naive when we met. Our friendship never faded. I was always attracted to you as a person and the feelings only grew stronger as we began to explore that attraction years later. It was unexpected but the timing seemed perfect. It only took one weekend alone with you to know I needed to have more of you in my life. You were the most outstanding gentleman; the kind you only read about in books. Your talent, creativity and intelligence are what drew me in. Our conversations felt so natural. I constantly wanted to learn more about you. Your smile and gaze made me feel at home. When we laid together at night I felt safe; it was peaceful being in your presence. All of my problems disappeared when we were together. It was like we were in our own world. I felt comfortable with you and I could trust you. I never questioned your loyalty to me like I did the others. Your touch sent me into a place like no other. The lingering kisses drove me insane. Our physical chemistry was heavenly. I craved feeling you inside of me when you weren’t around. You didn’t care about my flaws. You respected me and encouraged me. You were good for me. You made me want to be a better person. You helped keep me grounded and you weren’t afraid to call me out on my shit. Calling off our relationship was the same as it started: unexpected. I knew we had grown distant because of our busy lives, but I didn’t think it would end so sudden. You said you still loved me and wanted to be friends, but I barely heard from you after that. I tried to respect your decision to end it but its hard when I felt our busy lives were an excuse for you to give up. You were a homebody. If you didn’t have to put effort into something, then you wouldn’t. I still felt I was partially to blame though. Maybe I was too overwhelming or annoying. Either way, I knew I not only lost you as a boyfriend, but also my best friend and it killed me. I realized I loved you more than I thought I did when we were together. We’ve always been told not to depend on others for our own happiness, but fuck… having you around sure did help. I tried to fill the void I with sex, money, going out and drugs but nothing worked. Fucking other people, especially the time when it was for money, and getting high all the time only made me feel worse. I refuse to make any excuses for myself. I did terrible things and I regret them all. I’m not saying I regret it because you and others found out; I regret it because it only made me feel worse. I can’t forgive myself. I know it hurt you when you found out and I fucked up. You blocked me and I knew I completely lost you. There’s no chance of you forgiving me after that. I can’t eat, sleep, or focus. I lay in bed every night hating myself over it all. If I could go back and fix our relationship and change where we are now I would. I miss the memories of me scratching your back in bed while binge watching Netflix or us throwing a party together at a resort and then me taking care of you when you got sick at three in the morning. I miss it all and I miss you. This has been harder than I thought it would be and it’s not getting better. All I can say is I love you and I’m sorry. 

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