Lately, I’ve been sad. Like really sad. Recently, my cousin’s fiancé was found dead, murdered. My aunt raised me, so my cousin is more like my sister. Her fiancé was like a brother. So of course that adds to the sadness. However, I’m not the type of person who bawls when someone dies. I’m saddened but I try to focus on things I can control. I can’t control when someone lives or dies. My brother is gone and instead of focusing on the fact he is gone I look for the beauty in what was his life. I try to be a support for my relatives who are taking it harder. I try to relieve some of the everyday stresses they can do without right now.
However, I’m more than sad about my brother’s body being slain. I’ve been struggling with depression for a lot of my life but in the last 3 years it’s gotten really tough. I’ve been walking to work crying because I don’t know how to pull myself out of this slump and it’s effecting my life in bad ways. I can’t seem to get myself to get better. To be better.
I’m graduating college in a couple months and today I read a blog post that was titled something like “Questions to ask a Girl if you really want to know her”. One of the questions was, who are you closest to in your family? For the life of me I couldn’t give an answer. I feel alone and I feel like when I graduate I’ll be even lonelier. I’ve been doing this college thing by myself and my family is happy for all that I’ve accomplished but no one sees the unhappiness in my eyes, no one asks if I’m okay. It seems like no one actually cares. Even right now I feel selfish saying this because my family is very lower class and can barely provide the essentials for their lives. We have had constant tragedies in the family, ranging from death to medical diagnoses and I’m sad that no one bothers to check on me. But I am honestly sad about it. I’m about to embark on a whole new area of life and I feel like I’m in this alone. Im scared and I don’t have anyone to walk this journey with me. To be a support for me. Life Ian hard for so many people so I find myself wondering how can I expect people to be there for me but I can’t help it. I need someone. I need some support. My depression has be bad for a while. I tried therapy. My therapist sucked. I can’t afford more therapy or a better therapist. I feel lost and I feel like I’m drowning. I’m sinking into a hole more and more everyday. I’m starting to lose motivation to finish this walk, meaning school. I can’t get myself to focus on any one thing. Everything that needs to be done is important at this point and I’m stressed.
This whole entry to me seems selfish but I don’t know what else to do. When is a good time to dedicate your time to self care? How much self care is too much? Should I take some weeks off from school to do this? Will I graduate? Will I be a good teacher? Will I be my definition of successful? Will I be able to love and care for my family well, to the best of my ability? How will I find the time to do this when my brain is has this problem with everything? How can I get through this episode alive and fighting? When can I stop fighting?