Journal Entry 3 – I am so stupid

After our previous fight, and after it being his fault, I still went to him and tried to fix things. And he was fine and acted sweet again and I actually fell for it. And then when I was least expecting it, he said something mean again. He just loves to break my heart again and again.

Why am I so stupid? Why is my heart so foolish? Why do I think that everything is going to be okay again? I am an IDIOT. 

Do you know why he hates me so much? I had a boyfriend. 6 years ago. And he wanted to marry someone who is “PURE”. Someone who never had a boyfriend before, a crush before, or any kind of desire. He wanted a wife who would love only him and dedicate her life to him. Sorry, that is not me. I have my own ambitions and goals in life. I do NOT want to be a stay at home mom taking care of his kids (who according to him should only be sons because daughters get spoilt more easily and might end up having boyfriends BUT it’s okay if his sons have girlfriends “cuz they’re guys and they won’t become impure if they have girlfriends” ). Get this – He said that if we have sons he will happily raise them, but if we have daughters, I have full responsibility in raising them and that I should make sure that they grow up into “good, homely girls, who take care of their husbands”. WHAT THE FUCK?! I am never having kids with him. One day, when I have the strength and I am scared no more of society and him and my family, I am SO leaving him. It’s going to end, and one day when he least expects it I am going to pull the rug from under him and he is going to fall hard. 

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