things on my mind

so while this journal can be quite aggravating, it’s also the best journal i’ve found. i like the simple aesthetic of it. and i need to write some things.

i. we recently got three pet rats. they’re cute, but they kinda give me that feeling. i don’t know exactly how to explain it. it’s sort of uneasy or dissatisfied with my life. like something is wrong but i can’t tell what. i guess i feel weird to have new animals in the family. i don’t know what they’re thinking, and i’m partially responsible for them. makes me feel weird.

ii. so there’s this boy. i have dance/health class with him (he’s actually the only boy in the class), and two things happened recently that i feel like writing. one, in health class when i asked him for food (i ask people for food a lot) he actually gave me some: two starburst candies, and what was left of a chocolate bar. the chocolate bar was, i think, a valentine’s day one that said something on it like “share with someone special” and i know it probably means nothing, but i don’t know. and two, in dance class, we danced together. we were learning about salsa, for which you need a partner, so the teacher asked people to volunteer as leaders. and he was one of them. i am very much not a leader. then she asked people to find partners. he, of course, went straight to his friend, but she was a leader as well, so they couldn’t be partners. and then he went to me. and that whole class i danced with him. i don’t know that any of it means anything, i wasn’t even his first choice, but still, he went to me. he could have chosen someone else, but he chose me. i don’t even know if he’s straight or bi, i kinda thought he was gay, but either way it seems he likes me somewhat, and wants to be my friend maybe??

iii. i am lonely. i have friends, but not close ones. i don’t even text or dm people much anymore. in school i have people to talk to, but out of school i am alone. i have no one. i wish i had someone to talk to. i miss zoe. and just writing about how alone i am makes me want to cry so i’m going to stop now !!

iv. more testing. she’s trying to test my social skills or something which are !!fine!! i am not disabled or anything so really you’re just pulling me out of class unnecessarily but whatever. at least she gave me free gum. 

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