Directionless

What does it feel like to have a purpose? A direction? A reason for living?

Some people are motivated to go on with their lives because they wanted to get rich. Because probably they had a rough childhood to start with, a dysfunctional family, mother or father issues, or even they wanted to take revenge on the first heartbreak that they got. For some, they are motivated to live because they wanted to achieve something that they always aspired: to become a doctor, a nurse, a lawyer, an artist, or even a housewife.

How does that feel? To wake up every morning and survive just to get what you wanted? How does it feel to even have a goal?

Growing up I wanted to be a doctor. Or so believed to be. I cannot remember it that vividly, but I can still recall how one stranger then asked me “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I was in pre-school then. I don’t know what to answer but my mother whispered, “doctor”. Since then I gave that answer. Slum books, yearbooks, autographs, name it. I always took note on how to spell-out “To be a successful doctor” because I always worry if I don’t put the right number of letter c or even s.

Nearing high school graduation, we were asked to start with our college applications. We have to choose the degree program we will have to pass, which basically shall define our lives. We even had to take this test which hoped to help us choose what degree program to take. The results that I got? Any. Any course. I can take any degree program that I want to have. To be honest, I envy my classmates then. They were so certain. Probably because they were, like me, dictated by their parents. Or probably because right from then on they know what they wanted to be.

I took up Psychology anyway. I was a victim of “I had this guy best friend who usually confides with me whenever he’s heartbroken. I help him give flowers to the girl and give him tips on how to be romantic and all. There were no romantic connections but we are incredibly close–close enough to have my mother meet him. We talk about anything and everything under the sun. We danced during the JS Prom. He just treated me as is personal adviser. When our lives moved forward, I realized I was actually in love with him… and all girls who came after know me, I was so damn special to him. But it was all too late. *whispers* btw guys, he’s getting married this year.”

I survived college. But then again, come graduation we have to choose again what we would want to do with our lives. Since Psychology is too diverse, it had tons of possibilities for career options. You can basically work anywhere actually. If you are asking, the doctor “dreams” did not come into reality. Realized that I hated anatomy, biology, chemistry and the like when I was in college. I can study it, but enjoy it.. nah. I might end up killing people. Work? Not yet. I got fed up with my practicum that I realized I cannot be confined to an 8 to 5 job just yet. I hate clerical work. I then went to law school.

Why law school? Because I’m so argumentative, have more than average communication skills, I enjoyed history/political science, and heck the lawyer title thing is quite tempting. I had all the wrong reasons why I entered law school. Yep, I failed. Got kicked out. Long story. But partly because, right then… I realized that probably it will never worked for me. I’ll not be a lawyer because I don’t really wanted to become a lawyer. Not wanting it that much as compared to those who stayed in law school and actually became lawyers.

I ended up working. Don’t get me wrong. I love my job. Yes there are bumps along the way, but I love my job. It teaches me not only intellectual stuff, but also emotional things. I get to know myself more while inspiring and helping people. I’m one of those who get to be paid by doing the thing that you love. But I don’t want to be stuck to only loving my job and focusing on it. I don’t want to be burned-out that I’ll be compelled to leave my job.

So what’s with the drama? Despite everything, I still lack… direction. Purpose. Passion to live. At this point in my life money cannot only be the sole reason for me to be happy. Not even food, travel, experiences, gadgets, or even friends. Why? Because despite everything, I still feel empty. I can basically buy whatever that I want, I can go to places wherever I want to. They always say that I can whatever that I want to be. But the thing though is, what will I do with my life when everything else seemed to have fallen into place? I have a great family, a great job, great friends… what else?

Then I fell in love. I fell in love with a guy who had a complete opposite of the life that I had. I fell in love with someone who had all the reasons to fight and live because of his past. It fuels his soul. I admired that. I envied that. I envy that he had this purpose, he had dreams. Wildest and biggest dreams… while I don’t have one. He can enumerate to you all the things he wants to achieve, while me? I can’t even think of one. I’m that empty handed.

But don’t get me wrong, as someone who has knowledge with Psychology, that guy had behaviors/actions that were somehow affected or even influenced by his past. I accepted it, loved it… and even felt the need to fix it. When I entered the relationship, I accepted his entirety and I know that it will be a heck of a roller coaster ride. The relationship fueled me. Motivated me that probably that was my purpose. To fix this person, to be the partner of this person so that he can achieve his dreams… that no matter how much I get hurt, I’ll endure it. Because at the end of the day, I’ll be able to fix him. Besides, probably he can motivate me to finally seize my purpose and find my motivation. As cliche as it my sound, that time he was my purpose. That no matter how fucked up my life be then, no matter challenges that I have, as long as I have him… I’m cool.

We broke up. There were tons of reasons and I cannot disclose them. But one thing is for sure, the break up ruined me. I felt lost. I was admittedly obsessed by the thought that probably he was it: my purpose… or even the key to my passion. I know it sounds silly, to be broken that much by a guy who was a total ass. But for someone who lacked the purpose to live, found it, and lost it eventually… it kinda sucks.

Now I’m back to the emptiness. I wake up everyday, doing the same old things that I do. Feeling the same familiar feeling that I had. Pretending to be okay so that no one will notice that I feel empty. Got to give credit to my theater director for teaching me how to act this way. I mastered how to fake it. But at the end of the day, I still feel empty. If you ask what I want to do with my life? I honestly don’t know. So whenever someone asks, What are your plans? I hope I can ask them to answer the question for me. Because I don’t know… I really don’t know.

They say seize your dreams, but what if I don’t have one? Help me?

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