He Says To Me

          Sixteen months of silence. Sixteen. Months. Of. Silence. Hours, Days, and Weeks have gone by with not so much as a phone call to say, “Hello. I just want to know how you are.” Instead, he waits until just recently and writes to me to say things like, “I’m not going to sit here and front. I was surprised that you even took the time out of your life to even pick a pen up for my ass, you know with all the hurt & pain that I put BOTH of US through with my stupid actions. I was here hopin’ to hear back from you but there was part of me scared on what you were gonna say.” Let me explain something to you, the reader. His and my relationship was anything except for what society calls “normal.” He is incarcerated until 2031, fourteen years from now. We never had the luxury of catching a movie, sharing a meal, or even doing such simple things as cuddling or being able to glance across the living room at one another…but we fell in love…and we also fell apart.

          “I know when I’m wrong and I know I was. I’m truly sorry from the deepest part of my heart. I know I can’t put the tears back in your eyes that I caused you to shed but I can’t have you running around with a shattered heart forever. It’s not fair. Even though it’s gonna be hard on me I do want you to find someone to make you happy, to make you smile, to give you that glow when you’re in love, and to take care of you…you know…to do all the shit that I couldn’t do for you because of my situation! I want you to have that solid heart you had when I met you so when you do find that person you can give them your all, your whole heart…not just bits and pieces because of what I did.” I was madly in love with him. Honestly, I still am. I know that will never in a billion lifetimes change. Quite frankly, I don’t want it to change. Sure, he’s made his mistakes but when I look in the mirror every day I do not see someone who has never made any. He is the keeper of my completely shattered heart. Only he can make it whole again. In the meantime I wait. Who knows?! Maybe I will spend my life waiting but it’s a price I’m willing to pay. An elderly lady once said to me, “Dear, anything worth having in this life is worth waiting for.” She is right.

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