03/17/2017 01:18 Apathy

I am lost in my own head and a mood of total apathy. I have had to force myself to eat today, but once I have eaten anything I just want to throw up. Not because I am sick just food makes me feel gross and vaguely nauseous. I don’t know why but I have lost a lot of my edge lately. All I can think of is crawling into the bed and never getting up. I have lost my desire to cook, clean, sew, work, read, study for college, wright, play games, tend to the cats, basically life… I have no idea why, nothing is wrong. My work is still helping me progress and I am looking at more and more promotions, but I don’t look forward to work like I did. I don’t want to do anything around the house like I was. I had gotten into the habit of cooking at least one good meal everyday and had an extensive cleaning schedule figures out for the house, but now I don’t want to do any of it even though I usually enjoy that. My sewing box is closed and locked away because I haven’t felt like opening it, and all of my books lay on the shelf unopened and unstudied despite the fact that I love learning new things and desperately want to improve my skills so I can get into college. The last games I have played are even put away with no real prospect of being played again soon. I enjoy all of these things and used to get excited to see any of them, but lately I don’t even want to get out of bed and bathe. I know it’s probably just that I am sick or something, but I don’t know. My boyfriend keeps reminding me that I need to cook the food that we have so it doesn’t go bad, but I don’t want to cook anymore mostly because I don’t want to eat. I am hoping that I am just tired or fighting off some soft of flu and that it will pass and I will be back to my old self, but a piece of me is always scared when I go through these down times and I feel like this that it will last forever and I won’t get back to doing them. I know that’s silly though, I am probably just tired and should head to bed so I can get up for work tomorrow. I will probably make myself clean the house some before work so I’m not just sitting around being a waste of space. Maybe I will feel better in the morning…

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