I’ve been watching Catfish online lately. It’s sort of a dumb show, and sometimes it seems fake, but I can’t be bothered to care. I just like having things to listen to while I do nothing.

Some parts seem pretty legit, at least. It’s not hard to believe that someone could scam someone else on the internet. After all, hardly anything is legit on the internet. I could go reverse search any of the pictures on this site and find out that they were taken from some obscure place.

I have this internet friend from Australia who I’ve been contacting for years now. I met her on this dumb monster-avatar-gaming website, and we’ve been talking since… I was fifteen? Or fourteen, I think. I can’t even remember. She’s nice, into gaming and art… ordinary stuff. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if she’s real. I believe she is, but what if she’s not? I’d have no way of knowing.

Sometimes it even depresses me to think that no one on this site has any REAL idea if I’m actually a weird teenager or if I’m just some really bored thirty-year-old who gets kicks out of pretending to be a weird teenager. Do I sound legit to strangers? The internet scares me the way you can never be certain of anything. Sometimes it terrifies me to think that so much of the internet is untraceable and so much evil goes on in the dark web, where no one can see it, where it can remain there, catering to the sickest of people. I’m sorry, I’ve been watching too many crime/mental illness documentaries, and it frightens me to see what happens to people who suffer. I wish no one had to suffer like that. The internet makes it so much easier for children to be abused and I wish it didn’t, wish it couldn’t.

Still, I think it’s funny how I write everything on the internet. When I really think about it, it’s bizarre that someone very far away–maybe in another country–can read what I write and have opinions about it. That’s magical, in a way. Sometimes I wonder how much I read on this site is genuine. I’m being honest about what’s happening in my life (although of course I could be lying because no one here can verify that it’s all true) but I wonder about the rest of you people. I’m not trying to be rude or overly paranoid– just curious.

I don’t even know what the heck I’m talking about. I feel like a fish sometimes, when I’m online, or even just looking at pictures on Instagram. I hardly do anything there, yet I already feel like a fish swimming in a bowl. I feel like a small snake on, minding my own business, sneaking bits of bright flashy things, while all the while getting circled and stalked by some enormous snake. It’s weird. The internet is weird. It’s bits and scraps of thought from everyone, and it scares me, feeling so small, yet not realizing it until after I post some vague comment that gets a reply from someone I don’t even know. In theory, I know: of course people can see my comments and activity. But I don’t process it until something odd happens.

I feel like a fish swimming in circles. A little fish in a mask, swimming with millions and millions of fish and more fish, all wearing little handmade masks.

One thought on “fish.”

  1. I had an internet friend who I had been talking to since I was 14/15 too and I finally actually met her when I was 21 or something, we’ve met up several times now and have gone to loads of concerts together. We are still friends. I also had another friend who actually read my journal that I had on another journal site at the time and she wrote to me saying she couldn’t believe she’d actually found someone who experienced the same things as her. She lived in America so I don’t know if we would have met or not but we e-mailed each other for like two years. I was in hospital the whole time and she became my only friend at one point! I got an e-mail from her brother (this was back in 2010) saying she had committed suicide but he thanked me saying I was the only person she actually confessed her true feelings to.

    I know what you mean about the internet but I started being friends with people on the internet when I was the goth, bullied, loner freak of my secondary school! No one “real” wanted to be my friend so I found friends on here instead. It still unfortunately applies to me now.

    The internet does make it possible for terrible things to happen. You ever heard of Amanda Todd? I thought that was a horrific thing she went through with a man on the internet taking a photo of her and sticking it on a porn site. She was bullied over it to the point she committed suicide. She wanted a Stay Strong tattoo and after hearing her story and about her death I also have a Stay Strong tattoo on my arm!

    I think I do like the internet though, I know the dangers definitely but I also know the benefits and some of the people I’ve met on here who have been my only true friends in my life really. Sorry for rambling here.

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